Funny Horoscope Today

Welcome to your future! Your daily, funny horoscope is sure to be filled with information. Have the security of knowing exactly what's going to happen at virtually any point in the future with an exception to the stuff that may or may not happen. These rude, hilarious and even insulting horoscopes will make you feel like you're going to win the lottery without having to make all those pesky plans about how you'll spend the money or the joy of going into a convenience store to buy a ticket. And you know what? You can get even more amazing surprises by following this link.

Your Birthday Today:

If you make sure not to step on any cracks and re-check your locks 23 times daily, this year could bring you many psychiatric-flavored medicines. You can also look forward to bank holidays, unusually long hold times due to high call volume, and  coupons! Your future is bright or at least discounted unless prohibited by law.

Aries (21 March-20 April)
An apple never falls far from the tree EXCEPT when it's hurricane season. There's a chance you can change! Start something new!

Taurus (21 April-21 May)
Today, you can look a gift horse in the mouth. This way you can see what crawled up the gift giver's butt, too.

Gemini (22 May-21 June)

Long-winded rambling voicemail messages coming at you all day. 

Cancer (22 June-22 July)
Go get 'em tiger! They certainly aren't coming to you.

Leo (23 July-22 August)
You have two pairs of pants that look absolutely horrible on you in your closet right now. Throw them out. Just throw them out.

Virgo (23 August-21 September)
Your full-o-crap meter is well-tuned and highly functioning. Today is a good day to cast judgment on others.

Libra (22 September-22 October)
View mayonnaise with an incredibly critical eye today. Consider yourself warned. Some good stuff might happen to you today, but it won't matter if you don't take the advice on the mayo.

Scorpio (23 October-21 November)
Problems seem easily solvable--when they are happening to someone else. Ignore condescending advice from others and loaded firearms.

Sagittarius (22 November-21 December)
An incompetent co-worker will cause you more work. Suppress the urge to do nasty things to his coffee mug.

Capricorn (22 December-20 January)
You are likely to put your foot in your mouth. Luckily, there is plenty of room.

Aquarius (21 January-19 February)
Your losing streak is about to end. Keep gambling.

Pisces (20 February-20 March)
Your computer is on the verge of a major bitch fit. Stop clicking so much and back up data.   

Read my horoscopes for free every day or at least when you're at work. Your future is filled with typos, random sentences and other stuff. These free, daily (with an exception to Saturdays & Sundays and the sudden odd gaps when your favorite psychic was busy being incredibly in demand and/or absent from her psychic-osity,) insulting horoscopes, rude horoscopes, and often or not-so-often hilarious horoscopes  are guaranteed to be 100% otterific or your money back. Find out more ways to lose weight without ever being hungry,  earn more money without working at all, or totally waste time (one or less of the previous claims may apply) by going here.

Daily Rude Funny Horoscopes - Read My Hilarious Horoscope Today - Insulting Horoscopes

Welcome to your somewhat daily funny horoscope and future.  Subscribe here  to get all kinds of cool stuff, and be so cool. You'll feel awesome, and you'll have such good karma, it will be great. When I call these daily funny horoscopes, I don't necessarily mean days and days in a row. I mean more like Monday-Friday with crazy weird gaps. Although, I predict, it will be even more recent. Your future is fantastic or at least on the way.

Your Birthday Today:

Hey birthday person. Today is going to be a great-esque day. You will get to use the Internet to check this awesome horoscope, and other wonderful gifts will be yours. This year promises to be your year. Not like last year. That was Tom's year. If you're Tom (and you know who which Tom it is, if it's you), I hope you enjoyed last year, because your day in the sun is over. Sing "Hello darkness my old friend ... " to yourself while rocking yourself to sleep each night. Enjoy (people that are not that particular Tom)!

Aries (March 21-April 19)

• Office snacks are way too tempting. Wear your fat pants.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

• Today you are likely to drop the ball. Keep the ball close to the toes of your enemies and make the most of a bad situation.

Gemini (May 21-June 21)

• Songs on the radio will be amazing relevant to your life. Avoid crying on freeways or at least move into the slower lanes.

Cancer (June 22-July 22)

• Get your head out of the clouds or out of your butt and pay attention--especially when at the ATM machine. You don't want to lose that card--AGAIN.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

• You're missing the mark. Move over.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

• The desert of discontent is upon you. Drink more water.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23)

•Your ship has come in. Too bad you're not at the docks.

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21)

• A co-worker is jealous of your perceived success. Revel in it.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

• You are almost out of clean socks. Don't sweat laundry. Just buy more socks

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

• You've got the "Eye of the Tiger." Unfortunately you also have the smell of the jungle. Avoid intimate encounters.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb.18)

• Success is contagious, and you need to catch it. Look for some coat tails--FAST!

Pisces (Feb.19-March 20)

• An old crush comes back and crushes you some more.

Did I mention you look really nice today? You know what would go great with what you're doing? Your email in the boxes on this page.

Funny Horscopes Daily! Insulting Horoscopes! Kinda funny horoscopes! Almost, compeletely accurate and hilarious-esue rude horoscopes, just for you!

Welcome to your hilariously funny horoscope and future.  Subscribe here to get all your otterific free stuff including weekly updates of your fortune, free funny song downloads, and the latest in my online sitcom project. You'll be a Super Agent in Operation Otter, which means you will be awesome. Here's your fortune for today!

Your Birthday Today:

Your life is just like Benjamin Button's except in reverse. Isn't that cool? Plus, you can demand people sing around a cake and candle. Use your power wisely and for the forces of mostly good. This year promises to unfold with adventures of varying degrees of excitement and sameness. Enjoy!

Aries (March 21-April 19)

• Your inner critic is suffocating slowly. Seal off the hatches and speed it along. He's a killjoy.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

• Rome wasn't built in a day, but you're not building Rome. Move your butt!

Gemini (May 21-June 21)

• The mood-swing monkey is on your back today. 1-2 cups of coffee = happy. 3-5 cups of coffee = rage. Six or more = hysteria. A movie alone is a good idea.

Cancer (June 22-July 22)

• An overdue apology is coming your way. Practice your benevolent forgiving look and enjoy.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

• Bad dairy could cause you embarrassing abdominal discomfort. Proceed with EXTREME CAUTION.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

• You are out of answers. Avoid questions.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23)

• Interest rates are up! I'm not talking about mortgages and credit cards. People are actually interested in you! Dust off your black book and add some numbers. 

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21)

• Fill up your gas tank before you go home. You will forget to leave early and be short on time later.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

• Your bargain star is in perfect alignment. Be on the look out for cheap thrills.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

• Minor annoyances will majorly piss you off. Hermit it up or I see apologies in your future.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb.18)

• This random crazy world makes sense today. Carry a pen. Take notes.

Pisces (Feb.19-March 20)

• Your luck just turned around, and now it sees you coming. Chase after it!

I see your awesomeness, and I fully acknowledge it. Join me and together we can rule the Universe or at least get me my own HBO or Comedy Central Special.

Daily Funny Horoscopes Returns! Your rude, silly, and sometime insulting horoscope is back after a long hiatus!

Enjoy the return of daily funny horoscopes! Sometimes they are insulting or rude horoscopes and sometimes they are not even all that daily BUT ... they are back, they are free, they are guaranteed, and umm ... other stuff. Subscribe here to get all your otterific free stuff including weekly updates of your fortune, free funny song downloads, and the latest in my online sitcom project. You'll be a Super Agent in Operation Otter, which means you will be awesome. Here's your fortune for today!

Your Birthday Today:

You were born at some point, and the trend of life continues! As if that weren't enough, many portions of telephone calls you will be on will be recorded for training purposes. Practice telling customer service agents that "You're ready for your closeup, Mr. Demille!" You're meant to be a star, baby!

Aries (March 21-April 19)

• The axe you have to grind will be made available to you. Wear appropriate safety gear and get to it. Vindication is yours.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

• Gossip hounds are going to sniff your butt today. Play dead. Say nothing.

Gemini (May 21-June 21)

• Still waters run incredibly shallow today. Don't be fooled by good looking people. They are just boring, ugly people in disguise.

Cancer (June 22-July 22)

• All things grow with love, but even more so with fertilizer. Enjoy slinging sh*t today. You're helping people grow.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

• The Stain Fairy is out to get you. Do NOT wear white. Avoid eating or drinking in the car.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

• Spend your pennies today. This is the rainy day you've been waiting for.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23)

• An apple a day keeps the doctor away. That's why you haven't met a lot of doctors. Eat some cheesecake and mingle.

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21)

• Today is a bad day, but it doesn't mean you can't make its a little better for someone else. Karma Court is officially in session and you want to stack up some evidence for a good verdict.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

• Someone who loves you wants you to change. Humor them, but don't fall for it.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

• A fool and his money will soon part, but at least he had money to begin with. Enjoy rubbing two nickels together, and dream of foolish days to come.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb.18)

• Put your best foot forward. You are being judged by everyone today.

Pisces (Feb.19-March 20)

• Bad television tempts you today. Fall into its trance without guilt. It is your destiny.

Subscribe via the RSS (that orange button at the top), and never miss one amazing moment of your future. Thank you for catching a glimpse into your future with me. These hilarious, accuratesque, funny, weird, nifty, always almost daily, horoscopes are written by future comedy super star Christy Murphy. She humbly requests you follow her blog, and look at her CD, and worship all her artistic endeavors by becoming a Super Agent in Operation Otter. All you need is an Email address and a willingness to not unsubscribe and you're a part of the dream.