Funny Horoscope Today

Your Funny Horscope for Today

YOUR BIRTHDAY TODAY:

The Force is with you. Complicated tasks are finished easily or, at the very least, postponed easily. In a mysterious glitch in food physics, blowing out candles burns over 2700 calories. Unfortunately, looking at cake absorbs 3,000. You might as well eat two slices..

Aries (21 March-20 April)

Your popularity is on the rise. You will be invited to some place fabulous and feel awkward once you get there, but that's another day. Enjoy your invitation and brief feeling of being accepted.

Taurus (21 April-21 May)

Put your best foot forward. You are being judged by everyone today.

Gemini (22 May-21 June)

Stressful day ahead. Take a couple of deep breaths and put on a few extra strokes of deodorant.

Cancer (22 June-22 July)

Gossip hounds are going to sniff your butt today. Play dead. Say nothing.

Leo (23 July-22 August)

Lines (or cues if you're British) will be unbearably long today. Procrastinate errands or practice zoning out.

Virgo (23 August-21 September)

Your personal space bubble has burst. Avoid crowds today or get cozy with smelly strangers.

Libra (22 September-22 October)

What you formerly thought was a good idea, now blooms into total disaster. Avoid fast food and blind dates.

Scorpio (23 October-21 November)

Say hello and smile at strangers. You are having a good hair day.

Sagittarius (22 November-21 December)

Self-destructive tendencies are running high. Check your garbage disposal for errant utensils before turning it on.

Capricorn (22 December-20 January)

Your bargain star is in perfect alignment. Be on the look out for cheap thrills.

Aquarius (21 January-19 February)

Hasty decisions turn out fabulous. Toady is a great day to gamble.

Pisces (20 February-20 March)

Your waiter/waitress is having a bad day and will screw up your order. Just embrace your order as a surprise and move on.

--------------

Astrological humor and total truth are all yours! Come back and get your daily funny horoscopes so your life's decisions can be based on good, solid, comedy. Why let science and reason rule your future? Has that worked out so well anyway?

Daily Funny Horoscopes

YOUR BIRTHDAY TODAY:

Birthday well wishes surround you, but many will be belated and come in a "group" card. Never mind, this year you will redeem all gift cards/gift certificates and/or make strides in your career. Next year, well ... to paraphrase Yoda--the future is always in motion.

Aries (21 March-20 April)

Eat out. Trust me. Eat out.

Taurus (21 April-21 May)

Parking karma is at an all-time high. Run errands in record time or go to the beach.

Gemini (22 May-21 June)

Your computer is on the verge of a major bitch fit. Stop clicking so much and back up data.

Cancer (22 June-22 July)

Someone will have an uncharacteristically emotional response to an Email you sent. Do NOT hit reply. Call or speak in person instead.

Leo (23 July-22 August)

A white lie comes back to haunt you. Time for you to face the music or hide in the bathroom.

Virgo (23 August-21 September)

Stress is mounting. Doing dishes will clear your mind or, at the very last, you will have a clean bowl for cereal.

Libra (22 September-22 October)

Bad television tempts you today. Fall into its trance without guilt. It is your destiny.

Scorpio (23 October-21 November)

Songs on the radio will be amazing relevant to your life. Avoid crying on freeways or at least move into the slower lanes.

Sagittarius (22 November-21 December)

The Should Monster is telling you you should do things--very boring things or stuff that is just not gonna get done anyhow. Put goofing off as the only item on your "To Do" list today and proudly check it off.

Capricorn (22 December-20 January)

Financial institutions are unjustly applying "fees" to your accounts. Fight the power. The stars are in your favor.

Aquarius (21 January-19 February)

Hold the elevator for a stranger or help an old lady cross the street. Do SOMETHING. Karma Court is officially in session and you want to stack up some evidence for a good verdict.

Pisces (20 February-20 March)

Bad dairy could cause you embarrassing abdominal discomfort. Proceed with EXTREME CAUTION.

--------------

Know what to do when. All your questions answered. Visit every day and enjoy the greatest in astrological humor put out by a website with pictures of otters ever! Come back everyday or subscribe via RSS. And if you know anyone at Comedy Central tell them Christy Murphy is your favorite comedian and you want to see her on Comedy Central. Comedy Central Comedian Christy Murphy -- see how that just has a ring to it. Call them. Luke, it is your destiny.

Daily Funny Horoscope

YOUR BIRTHDAY TODAY:

Somebody you didn't expect to remember your birthday will remember, and someone you expected to remember will forget or remember late. Call it even and go out to dinner. This year promises lots of love, but not so much today--BUT LATER.

Aries (21 March-20 April)

Happiness is around the corner, but you're stuck in traffic. Walk.

Taurus (21 April-21 May)

Someone who loves you wants you to change. Humor them, but don't fall for it.

Gemini (22 May-21 June)

Your boss is especially stupid today. Smile and nod. Stay silent.

Cancer (22 June-22 July)

Cell phone coverage is particularly spotty today. Save emotionally intense conversations for LAN lines.

Leo (23 July-22 August)

Throw away pens that don't work well. You don't need any additional reasons to fly off the handle.

Virgo (23 August-21 September)

Fill up your gas tank before you go home. You will forget to leave early and be short on time later.

Libra (22 September-22 October)

Don't eat fish--especially if you are really, really hungry. The odds of choking to death are higher than normal today.

Scorpio (23 October-21 November)

Great day today. Enjoyable bowel movement awaits you when you go home.

Sagittarius (22 November-21 December)

Your cashier karma is at an all-time high. If you have stuff to return or exchange at a store, today is a great day for it.

Capricorn (22 December-20 January)

A flaky, flirty stanger will screw with your head. Enjoy the small talk and flirting, but know that abolutely NOTHING will EVER come of it.

Aquarius (21 January-19 February)

Be on the look out for party invitations. One will be fun another will suck the life out of you. Dress fab for both and prepare an exit strategy in advance.

Pisces (20 February-20 March)

The Stain Fairy is out to get you. Do NOT wear white. Avoid eating or drinking in the car.

--------------

I hope you enjoyed your daily, funny horscope thingy. Come back everyday or subscribe via RSS. Your astrological future awaits you. I see funny in your future. 

Funny Horoscopes! Your Future As Told By The Otter

YOUR BIRTHDAY TODAY:

It's your birthday. Lower your expectations and your birthday is sure not to disappoint. Embrace aging and cake. All your dreams (provided they involve a group card and/or a gift certificate) will come true.

Aries (21 March-20 April)

Good fortune shines on others leaving you twisting in the wind. It is never too early to go back to bed.

Taurus (21 April-21 May)
You forgot something. Luckily you can still can't remember.

Gemini (22 May-21 June)
You're missing the mark. Move over.

Cancer (22 June-22 July)
Healthy eating habit fall by the wayside when confronted with general anxiety over finances. Balance your checkbook and order salads tomorrow.

Leo (23 July-22 August)
Awesome day today. Try not to blow it by worrying about your future.

Virgo (23 August-21 September)
Bad relationship advice is coming at your from people who have had too much therapy. Let calls ring into voicemail.

Libra (22 September-22 October)
Aboid left hand turns across traffic. You are a magnet for oblivious and stupid people.

Scorpio (23 October-21 November)
You are almost out of clean socks. Don't sweat laundry. Just buy more socks.

Sagittarius (22 November-21 December)
A co-worker is jealous of you perceived success. Revel in it.

Capricorn (22 December-20 January)
Old memories are stirred up a commercial. Laugh out loud or even cry--especially if no one is looking.

Aquarius (21 January-19 February)
You are procrastinating going to the dentist. You have about three months before it gets critical.

Pisces (20 February-20 March)
Limit your caffeine. Today might be stressful.

Funny Horoscope Testing

OMG! The new Otter Horoscope feature is only moments away! Can you believe it! I'm so psyched.