Funny Insulting Horoscopes are post here daily, but sometimes not days in a row, but how much fun can it be to know every hilarious horscopian minute in advance. Random unpredictable fortune is where it's at. A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds. Or maybe I'll get my sh*t together and post daily-er.
Your Birthday Today:
Happy Birthday! An annoying song sung out of key is in your future. Jockey for free food at restaurants, because some of your friend are gonna cheap out on the gifts this year. You'll be luckier in love this year, because well the economy is in the toilet. Have fn being old.
Aries (21 March-20 April)
Knock it off. Just knock it off. Don't pretend like you don't know what I'm talking about. Just knock it off.
Taurus (21 April-21 May)
You are gonna be kicked to the curb by somebody you don't really like that much. Remember to just let it happen and don't let your pride suck you into a relationship you don't even like.
Gemini (22 May-21 June)
You have two pairs of pants that look absolutely horrible on you in your closet right now. Throw them out. Just throw them out.
Cancer (22 June-22 July)
Co-workers have been pilfering office supplies from your desk and not fricken putting them back. Don't stoop to office pettiness by labeling your stuff, but keep your eye out.
Leo (23 July-22 August)
The stain fairy is out to get you. Don't wear white. Avoid eating or drinking in the car.
Virgo (23 August-21 September)
That budget is a pipe dream. Get real and write down what you really spend or just earn more money.
Libra (22 September-22 October)
Two words--fat pants.
Scorpio (23 October-21 November)
Get your head out of the clouds or out of your butt and pay attention--especially when at the ATM machine. You don't want to lose that card--AGAIN.
Sagittarius (22 November-21 December)
Today is your lucky day. Ask for free stuff, sit up front at office meetings to get credit for stuff you don't deserve. Check the change slots for free money. Push your luck as much as possible, because the free ride ends on Wednesday.
Capricorn (22 December-20 January)
Da-do-do-do Da-dah-dah-dah-dah is all I have to say to you.
Aquarius (21 January-19 February)
That person you think likes you, doesn't. But the other one does.
Pisces (20 February-20 March)
Last week may have been hell, but you get to coast this week. Yup it's all down hill from here, but in a good way.
Read my horoscopes for free every day or at least when you're at work. Your future is filled with funny, pics of otters, and other stuff. Other horoscopes sugar-coat your future. Yes, sometimes you will find insulting horoscopes, rude horoscopes, but you these are guaranteed to be 100% otterific or your money back.
