Funny Horoscope Today

Funny Insulting Horoscopes - November 30th

Funny Insulting Horoscopes are post here daily, but sometimes not days in a row, but how much fun can it be to know every hilarious horscopian minute in advance. Random unpredictable fortune is where it's at. A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds. Or maybe I'll get my sh*t together and post daily-er.

Your Birthday Today:

Happy Birthday! An annoying song sung out of key is in your future. Jockey for free food at restaurants, because some of your friend are gonna cheap out on the gifts this year. You'll be luckier in love this year, because well the economy is in the toilet. Have fn being old. 

Aries (21 March-20 April)

Knock it off. Just knock it off. Don't pretend like you don't know what I'm talking about. Just knock it off.

Taurus (21 April-21 May)
You are gonna be kicked to the curb by somebody you don't really like that much. Remember to just let it happen and don't let your pride suck you into a relationship you don't even like.

Gemini (22 May-21 June)
You have two pairs of pants that look absolutely horrible on you in your closet right now. Throw them out. Just throw them out.

Cancer (22 June-22 July)
Co-workers have been pilfering office supplies from your desk and not fricken putting them back. Don't stoop to office pettiness by labeling your stuff, but keep your eye out.

Leo (23 July-22 August)
The stain fairy is out to get you. Don't wear white. Avoid eating or drinking in the car.

Virgo (23 August-21 September)
That budget is a pipe dream. Get real and write down what you really spend or just earn more money.

Libra (22 September-22 October)
Two words--fat pants.

Scorpio (23 October-21 November)

Get your head out of the clouds or out of your butt and pay attention--especially when at the ATM machine. You don't want to lose that card--AGAIN.

Sagittarius (22 November-21 December)
Today is your lucky day. Ask for free stuff, sit up front at office meetings to get credit for stuff you don't deserve. Check the change slots for free money. Push your luck as much as possible, because the free ride ends on Wednesday.

Capricorn (22 December-20 January)
Da-do-do-do Da-dah-dah-dah-dah is all I have to say to you.

Aquarius (21 January-19 February)
That person you think likes you, doesn't. But the other one does.

Pisces (20 February-20 March)
Last week may have been hell, but you get to coast this week. Yup it's all down hill from here, but in a good way.

Read my horoscopes for free every day or at least when you're at work. Your future is filled with funny, pics of otters, and other stuff. Other horoscopes sugar-coat your future. Yes, sometimes you will find insulting horoscopes, rude horoscopes, but you these are guaranteed to be 100% otterific or your money back.

Funny Horoscopes Daily - Well Kind of :)

Funny Horoscopes are post here daily, but sometimes not days in a row, but look how much fun can it be to know every hilarious horscopian minute in advance.

Your Birthday Today:

Today is your lucky day. Not only do you get this free horoscope, you also get several telephone calls from telemarketers. Plus, you will also get to be in traffic and use electricity. The future is bright--thanks to that electricity. Happy Birthday! 

Aries (21 March-20 April)

You are prone to tooth sensitivity more than usual. Go easy on the ice.

Taurus (21 April-21 May)
Yo bull! You're not the one full of it  today. Take everything with a grain of salt.

Gemini (22 May-21 June)
Save money and aggravation. Eat dinner at home tonight.

Cancer (22 June-22 July)
Here are the answers to the questions that have been plaguing you: yes, only once in a while, it's all in your head.

Leo (23 July-22 August)
Be top dog today if you don't want to be treated like a little bitch.

Virgo (23 August-21 September)
Looking good, Virgo. Don't flirt too hard, you don't want to injure innocent and even not-so-innocent bystanders.

Libra (22 September-22 October)
You are an idiot magnet today. Postpone complicated project for later in the week or suffer with "help" from well-meaning morons.

Scorpio (23 October-21 November)

Things like not being able to unbold the stupid heading or eliminate the space after some kind of line of text on your blog and stuff like that will be maddening today. Pack patience and a bat with your lunch today.

Sagittarius (22 November-21 December)
'Cause everybody hurts. Take comfort in your friends.

Capricorn (22 December-20 January)
Victory is yours if you sacrifice enough sleep.

Aquarius (21 January-19 February)
You're swimming up stream, Aquarius, and you don't even own a paddle. You're screwed.

Pisces (20 February-20 March)
Congratulate a friend who reached their goals. Success is contagious, and you just may need to catch it.

Read my horoscopes for free every day or at least when you're at work. Your future is filled with funny, pics of otters, and other stuff. Other horoscopes sugar-coat your future. Yes, sometimes you will find insulting horoscopes, rude horoscopes, but you these are guaranteed to be 100% otterific or your money back.

Read My Horoscopes for Free - Funny Daily Horoscope

Read my horoscopes for free every day.

Your Birthday Today:

Remember that wonderful Christmas as a child when you got exactly what you wanted? Enjoy that memory, because you're friends and family miss the mark on your gifts today. This year promises wealth, love, and power in varying degrees. Some more acute than others like this horoscope. 

Aries (21 March-20 April)

Time warps today in a way that makes everything take ten time longer than you want. Schedule enjoyable activities only or suffer!

Taurus (21 April-21 May)
The bad mood bunny has jumped onto your back. Make sure your windows are rolled up before yelling at people in traffic.

Gemini (22 May-21 June)
Your bargaining star is in retrograde. Just buy things at list price and save yourself time.

Cancer (22 June-22 July)
Feeling good and looking good, Cancer. Try not to get into any trouble.

Leo (23 July-22 August)
The eye of the tiger possesses you. Unfortunately so does the smell of the jungle. Avoid intimate encounters.

Virgo (23 August-21 September)
Be a lover not a fighter today. Back down just this once to avoid a little humble pie later in the week.

Libra (22 September-22 October)
Enjoy your weekend. A shit storm is brewing for Monday. There's nothing you can do about it.

Scorpio (23 October-21 November)
Your shopping star and credit card cycles are magically aligned. Avoid HSN and late night infomercials or be sentenced to six months of revolving debt.

Sagittarius (22 November-21 December)
A watched pot may not boil, but if you leave it totally unattended for long periods of time you can start a fire.

Capricorn (22 December-20 January)
Push it! Push it good!

Aquarius (21 January-19 February)
Hope springs eternal. Follow it up with cold, hard, action.

Pisces (20 February-20 March)
You have a chance to be a hero today with a small act of kindness. Don't puss out.

Read my horoscopes for free every day or at least when you're at work. Your future is filled with funny, pics of otters, and other stuff. Other horoscopes sugar-coat your future. Yes, sometimes you will find insulting horoscopes, rude horoscopes, but you these are guaranteed to be 100% otterific or your money back.

Insulting Horoscopes - Your Funny Horoscope for November 6

Read these insulting horoscopes for free every day.

Your Birthday Today:

This time of year many people are sharing gratitude. You are exempt. Be greedy and ask for free stuff at restaurants. Throw yourself a party. This year is shrouded in mystery, but luckily you will not feel particularly curious so it won't bug you much.

Aries (21 March-20 April)

It's a small world afterall. It's a small world after all. You won't be able to get an annoying song out your head.

Taurus (21 April-21 May)
An annoying situation plagues you. Resign yourself to just ending it badly and move on.

Gemini (22 May-21 June)
Anxiety has you in a half Nelson. Tap out this round. Go home. Drink decaf.

Cancer (22 June-22 July)
Your mind is in the gutter, but luckily the head carrying it is looking good. People find it charming for a little while.

Leo (23 July-22 August)
Today is a day to roar, Leo. Make sure to use mouthwash.

Virgo (23 August-21 September)
You are see-sawing back and forth between sanity and insanity. Do NOT call you know who. Closure is over-rated.

Libra (22 September-22 October)
Lies surround you, but you can't call people on their crap until early next week. Have patience. You are right.

Scorpio (23 October-21 November)
Your ship has come in. Too bad you're not at the docks.

Sagittarius (22 November-21 December)
Maybe, but most likely not.

Capricorn (22 December-20 January)
You are likely to put your foot in your mouth, luckily there is plenty of room.

Aquarius (21 January-19 February)
Just show up and success is yours. Your competition is just that incompetent.

Pisces (20 February-20 March)
Be generous. You have had more than your fair of mistakes. Let others enjoy.

Read my horoscopes for free every day or at least when you're at work. Your future is filled with funny, pics of otters, and other stuff. Other horoscopes sugar-coat your future. Yes, sometimes you will find insulting horoscopes, rude horoscopes, but you these are guaranteed to be 100% otterific or your money back.

Ready My Horoscopes for Free - Funny Daily Horoscope

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Your Birthday Today:

The birthday blahs can be offset with equal amounts of cake and exercise. Do your best. This year promises a lot, delivers some of it, disappoints you greatly, and has some awesome surprises. Guess which category this horoscope falls in.

Aries (21 March-20 April)
Punk rock girl, you look so wild. Let's have a child.

Taurus (21 April-21 May)
An annoying situation plagues you. Resign yourself to just ending it badly and move on.

Gemini (22 May-21 June)
You are making bad decisions, and lying to yourself about it. You can't stop, but at least you can be honest.

Cancer (22 June-22 July)
The jig is up. The good news is the cost of jig maintenance is also gone. Focus on using your resources better.

Leo (23 July-22 August)
Today, big decisions will be made. Some you will make, others you will be made for you. Brace yourself for change.

Virgo (23 August-21 September)
Prioritize stress management. Other people's stupidity is on the rise.

Libra (22 September-22 October)
One of your friends will drift into another social circle. Remind yourself of his annoying habits.

Scorpio (23 October-21 November)
Congratulation someone today. It will curb your envy or at least keep you from looking outwardly bitter.

Sagittarius (22 November-21 December)
Make your procrastination work for you. Postpone  obsession until tomorrow.

Capricorn (22 December-20 January)
Do or do not. There is not try.

Aquarius (21 January-19 February)
Start a tradition today. You need structure.

Pisces (20 February-20 March)
Your friend will keep talking about boring stuff you don't care about. Smile, nod, and pretend to care. He's a good friend.

Read my horoscopes for free every day or at least when you're at work. Your future is filled with funny, pics of otters, and other stuff. Other horoscopes sugar-coat your future. Yes, sometimes you will find insulting horoscopes, rude horoscopes, but you these are guaranteed to be 100% otterific or your money back.

Rude Horoscopes - Hilarious Horoscope for November 4

Your Birthday Today:

A mysterious stranger has a crush on you, but remember to do a background check. Your year is filled with happiness, many boring moments, one crushing disappointment, and some mild embarrassment. Check your zipper and your shoes before exiting public restrooms.

Aries (21 March-20 April)
Someone is trying to get your goat. Don't take the bait. Leave your goat at home.

Taurus (21 April-21 May)
Good fortune will once again befall on your friend that has all the luck. Stand in the shade so you won't notice his shadow.

Gemini (22 May-21 June)
When was the last time you went bowling?

Cancer (22 June-22 July)
Office snacks are way too tempting. Wear your fat pants.

Leo (23 July-22 August)
The small talk fairy skipped your house this week. Charge your iPod and avoid eye contact with strangers.

Virgo (23 August-21 September)
An unexpected guest is on the way. Now that you know to expect it, he or she will not come or you have a shot at getting your house in order.

Libra (22 September-22 October)
Dress up, go someplace fancy, pretend to be better than you are. You might just fool somebody special today.

Scorpio (23 October-21 November)
Neighborly tension is on the rise. Practice screaming, "Get off mah land," in your car.

Sagittarius (22 November-21 December)
An incompetent co-worker will cause you more work. Suppress the urge to do nasty things to his coffee mug.

Capricorn (22 December-20 January)
Your full-o-crap meter is well-tuned and highly functioning. Today is a good day to cast judgment on others.

Aquarius (21 January-19 February)
You don't have to like unlikeable people, but today, they seem to really like you. Look busy.

Pisces (20 February-20 March)
Road rage is highly justified today. Do your best, and make sure your insurance is current.

Read my horoscopes for free every day or at least when you're at work. Your future is filled with funny, pics of otters, and other stuff. Other horoscopes sugar-coat your future. Yes, sometimes you will find insulting horoscopes, rude horoscopes, but you these are guaranteed to be 100% otterific or your money back.

Read My Horoscopes for Free - Funny Possibly Insulting Daily Horoscope

Read my horoscopes for free every day.

Your Birthday Today:

It's written in the stars that love is on the way--to your neighbor. You've already got yours or missed your chance. Leave your credit cards at home. This will allow your generous friends the pleasure of buying you meals and gifts. This year promises success that has eluded you. You are old, so you might as well be wise.

Aries (21 March-20 April)
This random crazy world makes sense today. Carry a pen. Take notes.

Taurus (21 April-21 May)
A person you thought was trying to manipulate you turns out to be just stupid.

Gemini (22 May-21 June)
Paranoia is justified. The world is out to get you. Obey all traffic and parking laws or just hole up at home and watch TV.

Cancer (22 June-22 July)
Your hard work does not pay off today, but luckily goofing off does. Call in sick to work or play lots of video games.

Leo (23 July-22 August)
An angry voicemail awaits you. Breathe and have cup of coffee before checking it.

Virgo (23 August-21 September)
Customer service karma is at an all-time low. Postpone calling tech support, tele-com companies, or banks until later in the week.

Libra (22 September-22 October)
Get your car washed. People you want to impress take an interest in you. Plus it's dirty.

Scorpio (23 October-21 November)
Wreckage from your past is fixing to wash up on your shores. Now is a good time to take a trip.

Sagittarius (22 November-21 December)
An overdue apology is coming your way. Practice your benevolent forgiving look and enjoy.

Capricorn (22 December-20 January)
You look hot today. Ask for a favor, raise or loan to capitalize on your good fortune.

Aquarius (21 January-19 February)
Hang out with successful people today. Your loser friends are dragging you down.

Pisces (20 February-20 March)
Your grasp on reality is tenuous. Other people's thoughts are NONE of your business. Your ability to take good advice, including this horoscope, is limited. Concentrate.

Read my horoscopes for free every day or at least when you're at work. Your future is filled with funny, pics of otters, and other stuff. Other horoscopes sugar-coat your future. Yes, sometimes you will find insulting horoscopes, rude horoscopes, but you these are guaranteed to be 100% otterific or your money back.

Your Funny Horscope for Today

Your Birthday Today:
Being old is cause for celebration today. Timing is everything. Embrace your ability to still control your bladder, and know that this year promises a butt load of cash. Invest well.

Aries (21 March-20 April)
The desert of discontent is upon you. Drink more water.

Taurus (21 April-21 May)
Fancy restaurants are not on the menu today. Stick to diners and drive-thrus to get the best value for you dollar, but stock up on high quality bathroom tissue. Rough seas ahead.

Gemini (22 May-21 June)
Do NOT order anything with mayonnaise. You have been warned. Just don't. Maybe some good stuff will happen, but it won't matter if you don't take the advice on the mayo.

Cancer (22 June-22 July)
The mood-swing monkey is on your back today. 1-2 cups of coffee = happy. 3-5 cups of coffee = rage. Six or more = hysteria. A movie alone is a good idea.

Leo (23 July-22 August)
Good news will come via Email. Don't forget to check your "spam" folder just in case.

Virgo (23 August-21 September)
An unsightly blemish appears today. Your patience is being tested. Don't pick.

Libra (22 September-22 October)
Water weight will mysteriously fall of you in your morning trip to the bathroom. Wear your skinny clothes.

Scorpio (23 October-21 November)
Someone will try to trauma bond with you today. Keep conversations short or be prepared to do unwanted favors.

Sagittarius (22 November-21 December)
All your friends will be in crisis today. Get out your psychiatrist pad and carry tissues.

Capricorn (22 December-20 January)
Catching up on your sleep will no only leave you well rested for tomorrow's excitement; it will also help you avoid the boringness of today.

Aquarius (21 January-19 February)
Today you are likely to drop the ball. Keep the ball close to the toes of your enemies to lesson your pain.

Pisces (20 February-20 March)
You are attractive to others today. Floss, brush your tongue, and don't eat anything smelly.

Visit every day for your daily funny horoscope. Maybe slightly insulting, but always free. Oh, and the most accurate horoscopes on the Internet featuring a picture of an Otter ever.