Read my horoscopes for free every day.
Your Birthday Today:
Remember that wonderful Christmas as a child when you got exactly what you wanted? Enjoy that memory, because you're friends and family miss the mark on your gifts today. This year promises wealth, love, and power in varying degrees. Some more acute than others like this horoscope.
Aries (21 March-20 April)
Time warps today in a way that makes everything take ten time longer than you want. Schedule enjoyable activities only or suffer!
Taurus (21 April-21 May)
The bad mood bunny has jumped onto your back. Make sure your windows are rolled up before yelling at people in traffic.
Gemini (22 May-21 June)
Your bargaining star is in retrograde. Just buy things at list price and save yourself time.
Cancer (22 June-22 July)
Feeling good and looking good, Cancer. Try not to get into any trouble.
Leo (23 July-22 August)
The eye of the tiger possesses you. Unfortunately so does the smell of the jungle. Avoid intimate encounters.
Virgo (23 August-21 September)
Be a lover not a fighter today. Back down just this once to avoid a little humble pie later in the week.
Libra (22 September-22 October)
Enjoy your weekend. A shit storm is brewing for Monday. There's nothing you can do about it.
Scorpio (23 October-21 November)
Your shopping star and credit card cycles are magically aligned. Avoid HSN and late night infomercials or be sentenced to six months of revolving debt.
Sagittarius (22 November-21 December)
A watched pot may not boil, but if you leave it totally unattended for long periods of time you can start a fire.
Capricorn (22 December-20 January)
Push it! Push it good!
Aquarius (21 January-19 February)
Hope springs eternal. Follow it up with cold, hard, action.
Pisces (20 February-20 March)
You have a chance to be a hero today with a small act of kindness. Don't puss out.
Read my horoscopes for free every day or at least when you're at work. Your future is filled with funny, pics of otters, and other stuff. Other horoscopes sugar-coat your future. Yes, sometimes you will find insulting horoscopes, rude horoscopes, but you these are guaranteed to be 100% otterific or your money back.
