Here is your daily funny horoscope. Well, semi-daily anyhow. These are free you know. Two days in a row. Watch out future!
Your Birthday Today:
You totally got the shaft today--that is as far as this horoscope is concerned. Luckily the rest of your life (that is life outside of horoscope reading) will go well. Great things and better horoscopes are in your future.
Aries (21 March-20 April)
Did you get that thing he sent you? You should have.
Taurus (21 April-21 May)
An annoying customer service rep will repeat the same thing over and over again. Luckily you have time to think of irate speeches to a manager while you're on hold.
Gemini (22 May-21 June)
At least pets and babies find you somewhat amusing. Well, not really, but they can't speak up.
Cancer (22 June-22 July)
You will mysteriously injure yourself in your sleep. You are getting old.
Leo (23 July-22 August)
Eat slowly or the Heimlich Maneuver is in your future.
Virgo (23 August-21 September)
Your co-workers will think they are particularly wacky today. The won't be.
Libra (22 September-22 October)
People will choose to stand in front of what you want to buy at the grocery store. No matter what aisle you go to, they will be there--just standing there. Some will shop. Others will just be obliviously blocking your way.
Scorpio (23 October-21 November)
An old crush comes back and crushes you some more.
Sagittarius (22 November-21 December)
A friend you barely like will pitch another hissy fit. Pretend to not notice and wander off.
Capricorn (22 December-20 January)
Long-winded rambling voicemail messages coming at you all day.
Aquarius (21 January-19 February)
Your losing streak is about to end. Keep gambling.
Pisces (20 February-20 March)
Oh the horror. Oh the horror.
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