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Party like it's 1999, baby! Why? Because 2009 has kind of sucked for you, Scorpio. What about today? Great news. Today's forecast guarantees 70% less suckage with a 30% chance of pretty okay. In this economy consider yourself a winner. Live it up!
Aries (21 March-20 April)
People who owe you money will continue to avoid you. Luckily, you really don't like them.
Taurus (21 April-21 May)
Your inner critic is suffocating slowly. Seal off the hatches and speed it along. He's a killjoy.
Gemini (22 May-21 June)
Minor annoyances will majorly piss you off. Hermit it up or I see apologies in your future.
Cancer (22 June-22 July)
Let it all hang out and shake it while it's out there. Holding it in ISN'T working.
Leo (23 July-22 August)
Do some online or television shopping and have it sent with the slowest shipping and handling. You need SOMETHING to look forward to.
Virgo (23 August-21 September)
A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds, but seriously, stop being so scatterbrained. Keep track of your keys and wallet today.
Libra (22 September-22 October)
Have you heard the phrase, "Up sh*ts creek?" Well, consider today more of a poopy puddle. Don't wear your good shoes.
Scorpio (23 October-21 November)
You have the heart of a champion, Scorpio. But some jerk has you benched. Fire that fool and come out swinging.
Sagittarius (22 November-21 December)
Idiots are even more immune to logic than usual today. Save your breath or lose your sanity. The choice is yours.
Capricorn (22 December-20 January)
Look for the bare necessities. The simple bare necessities. Forget about your worries and your strife.
Aquarius (21 January-19 February)
The better-luck-next-time bunny is hopping around your neighborhood. Do not let his cute, furry face, fool you into letting him visit. You can win THIS time. Focus, focus, focus.
Pisces (20 February-20 March)
The early bird catches the worm. Sleep in and be worm free.
