Enjoy funny horoscopes today, and don't forget to come back every day, but especially this Monday, November. 16th, when Comedy Central Comedian Dwayne Perkins sits in as guest psychic for the day.
I foresee that it's your birthday today. What will happen today? This year? You will have feelings, breathe air. Make money, lose money. So much to look forward to and even more stuff to just kind of ignore. Good news! Some of those coupons you get in the mail will come in handy AND a mysterious stranger will walk by you on the street. Enjoy!
Aries (21 March-20 April)
Change is in your future today. Look under cushions.
Taurus (21 April-21 May)
Pick up a good book today. If you don't have time to read it, you can use it to kill a bug.
Gemini (22 May-21 June)
Your neck wrinkles are deepening. Moisturize.
Cancer (22 June-22 July)
Your clutter karma is at an all-time high. Small children and pets are in danger.
Leo (23 July-22 August)
Judge Killjoy and his kangaroo court are out to sentence you to a boring life. Do not solicit anyone's opinions or advice today. You know what you wanna do. You don't need anyone's permission.
Virgo (23 August-21 September)
Today is your lucky day! Press your luck at every turn.
Libra (22 September-22 October)
You sensitivity quotient is running high today. Mute tv commercials and spend more time with pets and kind hearted people.
Scorpio (23 October-21 November)
An apple a day keeps the doctor away, but a cup of coffee may keep you from murdering a co-worker today.
Sagittarius (22 November-21 December)
Captain Cranky has recruited some of your co-workers into his army today. Avoid group discussions.
Capricorn (22 December-20 January)
Happy Hour is less than happy and way more than hour. Don't be fooled into going.
Aquarius (21 January-19 February)
"Don't be cruel to a heart that's true."
Pisces (20 February-20 March)
Do not pass Go. Do not collect $200. Go back to bed as soon as possible.
