Funny Horoscopes Today is excited to have as guest psychic Comedy Central Comedian Dwayne Perkins. You may know Dwayne from his half hour Comedy Central Presents Dwayne Perkins special or his appearances on Leno sharing Great White Moments in Black History on NBC.
Your Birthday Today:
Don't fret if you don't blow out all
the candles on your first try. No cake? Maybe it's fretting time.
Much like last year, you won't reach any of the goals you set this
year but look for a new bakery to open in your neighborhood that's
bound to make you forget goals altogether. Focus on variety this
year, give the Chocolate Lobster Tail a try. Accept love and sugar
graciously.
Aries:
Consume Chinese food then follow what your fortune cookie says...in bed.
Taurus:
Seize the day but totally waste the night away.
Gemini:
A lover will stick by your side provided you buy some duct tape
Cancer:
Don't go fishing. Save time and go to the market instead. You stink when you go fishing.
Leo:
Make sure your morning breathe doesn't make it to the afternoon
Virgo:
Compiling a list of people you hate will prove beneficial
Libra:
Weight becomes a non issue when you meet a guy/girl who likes 'em big boned
Scorpio:
The world is your oyster. Too bad you're allergic to shell fish.
Sagittarius:
Work will be demanding. Remember to pass on any blame and take credit for any success
Capricorn:
Kick start a new career and getting out of bed is not a career.
Aquarius:
Let bygones be bygones. Use your time to forge new grudges.
Pieces:
A so called friend may make public your closet love of country music.
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