Funny Horoscope Today

Rude Horoscopes, Hilarious Horoscopes , Read My Horoscope

Enjoy these funny, kind of rude horoscopes that so totally reveal your future. Why buy a newspaper and get ink on your fingers, when you can read my horoscopes for free and barely get dirty at all! Did you see that we can a celebrity, comedian (ahem, I mean psychic) yesterday? Well, see what your future WAS yesterday as predicted by Dwayne Perkins of Comedy Central and NBC. In the meantime, here is your future for today! (insert mysterious music)

Your Birthday Today:

So many things will happen and then so many things won't. This year promises a lot and even delivers on roughly 25% of it. Invest in yourself and silver since, you most likely can't afford gold and the dollar is in the toilet.

Aries (21 March-20 April)
Whoever said change is good, really hasn't looked at the weird glob of pennies in your car, cup holder. Avoid change today or pay the sticky price.

Taurus (21 April-21 May)
Your online, shopping star is in total alignment with your credit cycle. Shop for holiday gifts now and save on shipping.

Gemini (22 May-21 June)
Yes!

Cancer (22 June-22 July)
Your are too old for the tooth fairy and too old to be procrastinating on going to the dentist. Keep it up and you won't be too young for dentures.

Leo (23 July-22 August)
A bird in the hand is NOT worth two in the bush today. Bet on those bush-dwellin' birds or carry a hanky for your poopy palms.

Virgo (23 August-21 September)
Your Interest rate is up! I'm not talking about mortages and credit cards. People are acually interested in you! Dust off your black book and add some numbers.

Libra (22 September-22 October)
Go get 'em tiger! They certainly are not coming to you.

Scorpio (23 October-21 November)
Kick "you know who" to the curb. He/she already has his mind in the gutter anyway.

Sagittarius (22 November-21 December)
Avoid talk radio, today. You are already talking to yourself WAY too much lately.

Capricorn (22 December-20 January)
You can turn the world on with your smile. You can take a nothing day, and suddenly make it all seem worthwhile... .

Aquarius (21 January-19 February)
When was the last time you went bowling?

Pisces (20 February-20 March)
Life is short. Sing in the car and the shower today.

Subscribe to Funny Horoscope Today and you'll be sure never to miss a thrilling typo-ridden moment. These free, insulting, hilarious horoscopes are absolutely guaranteed to bring you maximum accurrate-ositude or your money back.

Funny Horoscopes with Comedy Central Comedian Dwayne Perkins

Funny Horoscopes Today is excited to have as guest psychic  Comedy Central Comedian Dwayne Perkins. You may know Dwayne from his half hour Comedy Central Presents Dwayne Perkins special or his appearances on Leno sharing Great White Moments in Black History on NBC.

Your Birthday Today:

Don't fret if you don't blow out all the candles on your first try. No cake? Maybe it's fretting time. Much like last year, you won't reach any of the goals you set this year but look for a new bakery to open in your neighborhood that's bound to make you forget goals altogether. Focus on variety this year, give the Chocolate Lobster Tail a try. Accept love and sugar graciously.

Aries:

Consume Chinese food then follow what your fortune cookie says...in bed.

Taurus:

Seize the day but totally waste the night away.

Gemini:

A lover will stick by your side provided you buy some duct tape

Cancer:

Don't go fishing. Save time and go to the market instead. You stink when you go fishing.

Leo:

Make sure your morning breathe doesn't make it to the afternoon

Virgo:

Compiling a list of people you hate will prove beneficial

Libra:

Weight becomes a non issue when you meet a guy/girl who likes 'em big boned

Scorpio:

The world is your oyster. Too bad you're allergic to shell fish.

Sagittarius:

Work will be demanding. Remember to pass on any blame and take credit for any success

Capricorn:

Kick start a new career and getting out of bed is not a career.

Aquarius:

Let bygones be bygones. Use your time to forge new grudges.

Pieces:

A so called friend may make public your closet love of country music.

Subscribe to Funny Horoscope Today and you'll be sure never to miss a thrilling typo-ridden moment. These free, insulting horoscopes are absolutely guaranteed to be accurate-esque or your money back. Keep coming back. You never know who may stop by.

Funny Horoscopes, Insulting Horoscopes, Maybe Even a Little Rude Horoscopes

Enjoy funny horoscopes today, and don't forget to come back every day, but especially this Monday, November. 16th, when Comedy Central Comedian Dwayne Perkins sits in as guest psychic for the day.

Your Birthday Today:

I foresee that it's your birthday today. What will happen today? This year? You will have feelings, breathe air. Make money, lose money. So much to look forward to and even more stuff to just kind of ignore. Good news! Some of those coupons you get in the mail will come in handy AND a mysterious stranger will walk by you on the street. Enjoy!

Aries (21 March-20 April)
Change is in your future today. Look under cushions.

Taurus (21 April-21 May)
Pick up a good book today. If you don't have time to read it, you can use it to kill a bug.

Gemini (22 May-21 June)
Your neck wrinkles are deepening. Moisturize.

Cancer (22 June-22 July)
Your clutter karma is at an all-time high. Small children and pets are in danger.

Leo (23 July-22 August)
Judge Killjoy and his kangaroo court are out to sentence you to a boring life. Do not solicit anyone's opinions or advice today. You know what you wanna do. You don't need anyone's permission.

Virgo (23 August-21 September)
Today is your lucky day! Press your luck at every turn.

Libra (22 September-22 October)
You sensitivity quotient is running high today. Mute tv commercials and spend more time with pets and kind hearted people.

Scorpio (23 October-21 November)
An apple a day keeps the doctor away, but a cup of coffee may keep you from murdering a co-worker today.

Sagittarius (22 November-21 December)
Captain Cranky has recruited some of your co-workers into his army today. Avoid group discussions.

Capricorn (22 December-20 January)
Happy Hour is less than happy and way more than hour. Don't be fooled into going.

Aquarius (21 January-19 February)
"Don't be cruel to a heart that's true."

Pisces (20 February-20 March)
Do not pass Go. Do not collect $200. Go back to bed as soon as possible.

Subscribe to Funny Horoscope Today and you'll be sure never to miss a thrilling typo-ridden moment. These free, insulting horoscopes are absolutely guaranteed to be accurate-esque or your money back. Check back on Monday and have your future foretold by somebody famous!

Funny Horoscopes Daily - Insulting, Funny Astrology Resumes

Funny horoscopes can't just be made up, you know. Sometimes they take months and months to be updated and then, WHAMMO, a perfectly, substandard bit of psychic genius nearly makes it onto this blog. Soon, there will be guest, psychic, comedians with a special connection to YOUR future. Subscribe so you don't miss out on a single, psycherific moment.

Your Birthday Today:

Party like it's 1999, baby! Why? Because 2009 has kind of sucked for you, Scorpio. What about today? Great news. Today's forecast guarantees 70% less suckage with a 30% chance of pretty okay. In this economy consider yourself a winner. Live it up!

Aries (21 March-20 April)
People who owe you money will continue to avoid you. Luckily, you really don't like them.

Taurus (21 April-21 May)
Your inner critic is suffocating slowly. Seal off the hatches and speed it along. He's a killjoy.

Gemini (22 May-21 June)
Minor annoyances will majorly piss you off. Hermit it up or I see apologies in your future.

Cancer (22 June-22 July)
Let it all hang out and shake it while it's out there. Holding it in ISN'T working.

Leo (23 July-22 August)
Do some online or television shopping and have it sent with the slowest shipping and handling. You need SOMETHING to look forward to.

Virgo (23 August-21 September)
A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds, but seriously, stop being so scatterbrained. Keep track of your keys and wallet today.

Libra (22 September-22 October)
Have you heard the phrase, "Up sh*ts creek?" Well, consider today more of a poopy puddle. Don't wear your good shoes.

Scorpio (23 October-21 November)
You have the heart of a champion, Scorpio. But some jerk has you benched. Fire that fool and come out swinging.

Sagittarius (22 November-21 December)
Idiots are even more immune to logic than usual today. Save your breath or lose your sanity. The choice is yours.

Capricorn (22 December-20 January)
Look for the bare necessities. The simple bare necessities. Forget about your worries and your strife.

Aquarius (21 January-19 February)
The better-luck-next-time bunny is hopping around your neighborhood. Do not let his cute, furry face, fool you into letting him visit. You can win THIS time. Focus, focus, focus.

Pisces (20 February-20 March)
The early bird catches the worm. Sleep in and be worm free.

Subscribe to Funny Horoscope Today and you'll be sure never to miss a thrilling typo-ridden moment. These free, insulting horoscopes are absolutely guaranteed to be accurate-esque or your money back.