Enjoy these funny, kind of rude horoscopes that so totally reveal your future. Why buy a newspaper and get ink on your fingers, when you can read my horoscopes for free and barely get dirty at all! Did you see that we can a celebrity, comedian (ahem, I mean psychic) yesterday? Well, see what your future WAS yesterday as predicted by Dwayne Perkins of Comedy Central and NBC. In the meantime, here is your future for today! (insert mysterious music)
Your Birthday Today:
So many things will happen and then so many things won't. This year promises a lot and even delivers on roughly 25% of it. Invest in yourself and silver since, you most likely can't afford gold and the dollar is in the toilet.
Aries (21 March-20 April)
Whoever said change is good, really hasn't looked at the weird glob of pennies in your car, cup holder. Avoid change today or pay the sticky price.
Taurus (21 April-21 May)
Your online, shopping star is in total alignment with your credit cycle. Shop for holiday gifts now and save on shipping.
Gemini (22 May-21 June)
Yes!
Cancer (22 June-22 July)
Your are too old for the tooth fairy and too old to be procrastinating on going to the dentist. Keep it up and you won't be too young for dentures.
Leo (23 July-22 August)
A bird in the hand is NOT worth two in the bush today. Bet on those bush-dwellin' birds or carry a hanky for your poopy palms.
Virgo (23 August-21 September)
Your Interest rate is up! I'm not talking about mortages and credit cards. People are acually interested in you! Dust off your black book and add some numbers.
Libra (22 September-22 October)
Go get 'em tiger! They certainly are not coming to you.
Scorpio (23 October-21 November)
Kick "you know who" to the curb. He/she already has his mind in the gutter anyway.
Sagittarius (22 November-21 December)
Avoid talk radio, today. You are already talking to yourself WAY too much lately.
Capricorn (22 December-20 January)
You can turn the world on with your smile. You can take a nothing day, and suddenly make it all seem worthwhile... .
Aquarius (21 January-19 February)
When was the last time you went bowling?
Pisces (20 February-20 March)
Life is short. Sing in the car and the shower today.
