Enjoy the return of daily funny horoscopes! Sometimes they are insulting or rude horoscopes and sometimes they are not even all that daily BUT ... they are back, they are free, they are guaranteed, and umm ... other stuff. Subscribe here to get all your otterific free stuff including weekly updates of your fortune, free funny song downloads, and the latest in my online sitcom project. You'll be a Super Agent in Operation Otter, which means you will be awesome. Here's your fortune for today!
Your Birthday Today:
You were born at some point, and the trend of life continues! As if that weren't enough, many portions of telephone calls you will be on will be recorded for training purposes. Practice telling customer service agents that "You're ready for your closeup, Mr. Demille!" You're meant to be a star, baby!
Aries (March 21-April 19)
• The axe you have to grind will be made available to you. Wear appropriate safety gear and get to it. Vindication is yours.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
• Gossip hounds are going to sniff your butt today. Play dead. Say nothing.
Gemini (May 21-June 21)
• Still waters run incredibly shallow today. Don't be fooled by good looking people. They are just boring, ugly people in disguise.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
• All things grow with love, but even more so with fertilizer. Enjoy slinging sh*t today. You're helping people grow.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
• The Stain Fairy is out to get you. Do NOT wear white. Avoid eating or drinking in the car.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
• Spend your pennies today. This is the rainy day you've been waiting for.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23)
• An apple a day keeps the doctor away. That's why you haven't met a lot of doctors. Eat some cheesecake and mingle.
Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21)
• Today is a bad day, but it doesn't mean you can't make its a little better for someone else. Karma Court is officially in session and you want to stack up some evidence for a good verdict.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
• Someone who loves you wants you to change. Humor them, but don't fall for it.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
• A fool and his money will soon part, but at least he had money to begin with. Enjoy rubbing two nickels together, and dream of foolish days to come.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb.18)
• Put your best foot forward. You are being judged by everyone today.
Pisces (Feb.19-March 20)
• Bad television tempts you today. Fall into its trance without guilt. It is your destiny.
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