Welcome to your somewhat daily funny horoscope and future. Subscribe here to get all kinds of cool stuff, and be so cool. You'll feel awesome, and you'll have such good karma, it will be great. When I call these daily funny horoscopes, I don't necessarily mean days and days in a row. I mean more like Monday-Friday with crazy weird gaps. Although, I predict, it will be even more recent. Your future is fantastic or at least on the way.
Your Birthday Today:
Hey birthday person. Today is going to be a great-esque day. You will get to use the Internet to check this awesome horoscope, and other wonderful gifts will be yours. This year promises to be your year. Not like last year. That was Tom's year. If you're Tom (and you know who which Tom it is, if it's you), I hope you enjoyed last year, because your day in the sun is over. Sing "Hello darkness my old friend ... " to yourself while rocking yourself to sleep each night. Enjoy (people that are not that particular Tom)!
Aries (March 21-April 19)
• Office snacks are way too tempting. Wear your fat pants.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
• Today you are likely to drop the ball. Keep the ball close to the toes of your enemies and make the most of a bad situation.
Gemini (May 21-June 21)
• Songs on the radio will be amazing relevant to your life. Avoid crying on freeways or at least move into the slower lanes.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
• Get your head out of the clouds or out of your butt and pay attention--especially when at the ATM machine. You don't want to lose that card--AGAIN.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
• You're missing the mark. Move over.
Virgo
(Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
• The desert of discontent is upon you. Drink more water.
Libra
(Sept. 23-Oct. 23)
•Your ship has come in. Too bad you're not at the docks.
Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21)
• A co-worker is jealous of your perceived success. Revel in it.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
• You are almost out of clean socks. Don't sweat laundry. Just buy more socks
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
• You've got the "Eye of the Tiger." Unfortunately you also have the smell of the jungle. Avoid intimate encounters.
Aquarius
(Jan. 20-Feb.18)
• Success is contagious, and you need to catch it. Look for some coat tails--FAST!
Pisces (Feb.19-March 20)
• An old crush comes back and crushes you some more.
Did I mention you look really nice today? You know what would go great with what you're doing? Your email in the boxes on this page.
