Welcome to your hilariously funny horoscope and future. Subscribe here to get all your otterific free stuff including weekly updates of your fortune, free funny song downloads, and the latest in my online sitcom project. You'll be a Super Agent in Operation Otter, which means you will be awesome. Here's your fortune for today!
Your Birthday Today:
Your life is just like Benjamin Button's except in reverse. Isn't that cool? Plus, you can demand people sing around a cake and candle. Use your power wisely and for the forces of mostly good. This year promises to unfold with adventures of varying degrees of excitement and sameness. Enjoy!
Aries (March 21-April 19)
• Your inner critic is suffocating slowly. Seal off the hatches and speed it along. He's a killjoy.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
• Rome wasn't built in a day, but you're not building Rome. Move your butt!
Gemini (May 21-June 21)
• The mood-swing monkey is on your back today. 1-2 cups of coffee = happy. 3-5 cups of coffee = rage. Six or more = hysteria. A movie alone is a good idea.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
• An overdue apology is coming your way. Practice your benevolent forgiving look and enjoy.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
• Bad dairy could cause you embarrassing abdominal discomfort. Proceed with EXTREME CAUTION.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
• You are out of answers. Avoid questions.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23)
• Interest rates are up! I'm not talking about mortgages and credit cards. People are actually interested in you! Dust off your black book and add some numbers.
Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21)
• Fill up your gas tank before you go home. You will forget to leave early and be short on time later.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
• Your bargain star is in perfect alignment. Be on the look out for cheap thrills.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
• Minor annoyances will majorly piss you off. Hermit it up or I see apologies in your future.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb.18)
• This random crazy world makes sense today. Carry a pen. Take notes.
Pisces (Feb.19-March 20)
• Your luck just turned around, and now it sees you coming. Chase after it!
I see your awesomeness, and I fully acknowledge it. Join me and together we can rule the Universe or at least get me my own HBO or Comedy Central Special.
