Welcome to your future! Your daily, funny horoscope is sure to be filled with information. Have the security of knowing exactly what's going to happen at virtually any point in the future with an exception to the stuff that may or may not happen. These rude, hilarious and even insulting horoscopes will make you feel like you're going to win the lottery without having to make all those pesky plans about how you'll spend the money or the joy of going into a convenience store to buy a ticket. And you know what? You can get even more amazing surprises by following this link.

Your Birthday Today:

If you make sure not to step on any cracks and re-check your locks 23 times daily, this year could bring you many psychiatric-flavored medicines. You can also look forward to bank holidays, unusually long hold times due to high call volume, and  coupons! Your future is bright or at least discounted unless prohibited by law.

Aries (21 March-20 April)
An apple never falls far from the tree EXCEPT when it's hurricane season. There's a chance you can change! Start something new!

Taurus (21 April-21 May)
Today, you can look a gift horse in the mouth. This way you can see what crawled up the gift giver's butt, too.

Gemini (22 May-21 June)

Long-winded rambling voicemail messages coming at you all day. 

Cancer (22 June-22 July)
Go get 'em tiger! They certainly aren't coming to you.

Leo (23 July-22 August)
You have two pairs of pants that look absolutely horrible on you in your closet right now. Throw them out. Just throw them out.

Virgo (23 August-21 September)
Your full-o-crap meter is well-tuned and highly functioning. Today is a good day to cast judgment on others.

Libra (22 September-22 October)
View mayonnaise with an incredibly critical eye today. Consider yourself warned. Some good stuff might happen to you today, but it won't matter if you don't take the advice on the mayo.

Scorpio (23 October-21 November)
Problems seem easily solvable--when they are happening to someone else. Ignore condescending advice from others and loaded firearms.

Sagittarius (22 November-21 December)
An incompetent co-worker will cause you more work. Suppress the urge to do nasty things to his coffee mug.

Capricorn (22 December-20 January)
You are likely to put your foot in your mouth. Luckily, there is plenty of room.

Aquarius (21 January-19 February)
Your losing streak is about to end. Keep gambling.

Pisces (20 February-20 March)
Your computer is on the verge of a major bitch fit. Stop clicking so much and back up data.   

Read my horoscopes for free every day or at least when you're at work. Your future is filled with typos, random sentences and other stuff. These free, daily (with an exception to Saturdays & Sundays and the sudden odd gaps when your favorite psychic was busy being incredibly in demand and/or absent from her psychic-osity,) insulting horoscopes, rude horoscopes, and often or not-so-often hilarious horoscopes  are guaranteed to be 100% otterific or your money back. Find out more ways to lose weight without ever being hungry,  earn more money without working at all, or totally waste time (one or less of the previous claims may apply) by going here.