Funny Horoscope Today

Daily Rude Funny Horoscopes - Read My Hilarious Horoscope Today - Insulting Horoscopes

Welcome to your somewhat daily funny horoscope and future.  Subscribe here  to get all kinds of cool stuff, and be so cool. You'll feel awesome, and you'll have such good karma, it will be great. When I call these daily funny horoscopes, I don't necessarily mean days and days in a row. I mean more like Monday-Friday with crazy weird gaps. Although, I predict, it will be even more recent. Your future is fantastic or at least on the way.

Your Birthday Today:

Hey birthday person. Today is going to be a great-esque day. You will get to use the Internet to check this awesome horoscope, and other wonderful gifts will be yours. This year promises to be your year. Not like last year. That was Tom's year. If you're Tom (and you know who which Tom it is, if it's you), I hope you enjoyed last year, because your day in the sun is over. Sing "Hello darkness my old friend ... " to yourself while rocking yourself to sleep each night. Enjoy (people that are not that particular Tom)!

Aries (March 21-April 19)

• Office snacks are way too tempting. Wear your fat pants.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

• Today you are likely to drop the ball. Keep the ball close to the toes of your enemies and make the most of a bad situation.

Gemini (May 21-June 21)

• Songs on the radio will be amazing relevant to your life. Avoid crying on freeways or at least move into the slower lanes.

Cancer (June 22-July 22)

• Get your head out of the clouds or out of your butt and pay attention--especially when at the ATM machine. You don't want to lose that card--AGAIN.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

• You're missing the mark. Move over.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

• The desert of discontent is upon you. Drink more water.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23)

•Your ship has come in. Too bad you're not at the docks.

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21)

• A co-worker is jealous of your perceived success. Revel in it.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

• You are almost out of clean socks. Don't sweat laundry. Just buy more socks

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

• You've got the "Eye of the Tiger." Unfortunately you also have the smell of the jungle. Avoid intimate encounters.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb.18)

• Success is contagious, and you need to catch it. Look for some coat tails--FAST!

Pisces (Feb.19-March 20)

• An old crush comes back and crushes you some more.

Did I mention you look really nice today? You know what would go great with what you're doing? Your email in the boxes on this page.

Funny Horscopes Daily! Insulting Horoscopes! Kinda funny horoscopes! Almost, compeletely accurate and hilarious-esue rude horoscopes, just for you!

Welcome to your hilariously funny horoscope and future.  Subscribe here to get all your otterific free stuff including weekly updates of your fortune, free funny song downloads, and the latest in my online sitcom project. You'll be a Super Agent in Operation Otter, which means you will be awesome. Here's your fortune for today!

Your Birthday Today:

Your life is just like Benjamin Button's except in reverse. Isn't that cool? Plus, you can demand people sing around a cake and candle. Use your power wisely and for the forces of mostly good. This year promises to unfold with adventures of varying degrees of excitement and sameness. Enjoy!

Aries (March 21-April 19)

• Your inner critic is suffocating slowly. Seal off the hatches and speed it along. He's a killjoy.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

• Rome wasn't built in a day, but you're not building Rome. Move your butt!

Gemini (May 21-June 21)

• The mood-swing monkey is on your back today. 1-2 cups of coffee = happy. 3-5 cups of coffee = rage. Six or more = hysteria. A movie alone is a good idea.

Cancer (June 22-July 22)

• An overdue apology is coming your way. Practice your benevolent forgiving look and enjoy.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

• Bad dairy could cause you embarrassing abdominal discomfort. Proceed with EXTREME CAUTION.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

• You are out of answers. Avoid questions.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23)

• Interest rates are up! I'm not talking about mortgages and credit cards. People are actually interested in you! Dust off your black book and add some numbers. 

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21)

• Fill up your gas tank before you go home. You will forget to leave early and be short on time later.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

• Your bargain star is in perfect alignment. Be on the look out for cheap thrills.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

• Minor annoyances will majorly piss you off. Hermit it up or I see apologies in your future.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb.18)

• This random crazy world makes sense today. Carry a pen. Take notes.

Pisces (Feb.19-March 20)

• Your luck just turned around, and now it sees you coming. Chase after it!

I see your awesomeness, and I fully acknowledge it. Join me and together we can rule the Universe or at least get me my own HBO or Comedy Central Special.

Daily Funny Horoscopes Returns! Your rude, silly, and sometime insulting horoscope is back after a long hiatus!

Enjoy the return of daily funny horoscopes! Sometimes they are insulting or rude horoscopes and sometimes they are not even all that daily BUT ... they are back, they are free, they are guaranteed, and umm ... other stuff. Subscribe here to get all your otterific free stuff including weekly updates of your fortune, free funny song downloads, and the latest in my online sitcom project. You'll be a Super Agent in Operation Otter, which means you will be awesome. Here's your fortune for today!

Your Birthday Today:

You were born at some point, and the trend of life continues! As if that weren't enough, many portions of telephone calls you will be on will be recorded for training purposes. Practice telling customer service agents that "You're ready for your closeup, Mr. Demille!" You're meant to be a star, baby!

Aries (March 21-April 19)

• The axe you have to grind will be made available to you. Wear appropriate safety gear and get to it. Vindication is yours.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

• Gossip hounds are going to sniff your butt today. Play dead. Say nothing.

Gemini (May 21-June 21)

• Still waters run incredibly shallow today. Don't be fooled by good looking people. They are just boring, ugly people in disguise.

Cancer (June 22-July 22)

• All things grow with love, but even more so with fertilizer. Enjoy slinging sh*t today. You're helping people grow.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

• The Stain Fairy is out to get you. Do NOT wear white. Avoid eating or drinking in the car.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

• Spend your pennies today. This is the rainy day you've been waiting for.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23)

• An apple a day keeps the doctor away. That's why you haven't met a lot of doctors. Eat some cheesecake and mingle.

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21)

• Today is a bad day, but it doesn't mean you can't make its a little better for someone else. Karma Court is officially in session and you want to stack up some evidence for a good verdict.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

• Someone who loves you wants you to change. Humor them, but don't fall for it.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

• A fool and his money will soon part, but at least he had money to begin with. Enjoy rubbing two nickels together, and dream of foolish days to come.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb.18)

• Put your best foot forward. You are being judged by everyone today.

Pisces (Feb.19-March 20)

• Bad television tempts you today. Fall into its trance without guilt. It is your destiny.

Subscribe via the RSS (that orange button at the top), and never miss one amazing moment of your future. Thank you for catching a glimpse into your future with me. These hilarious, accuratesque, funny, weird, nifty, always almost daily, horoscopes are written by future comedy super star Christy Murphy. She humbly requests you follow her blog, and look at her CD, and worship all her artistic endeavors by becoming a Super Agent in Operation Otter. All you need is an Email address and a willingness to not unsubscribe and you're a part of the dream.

Funny Horoscopes with Comedy Central Comedian Dwayne Perkins

Funny Horoscopes Today is excited to have as guest psychic  Comedy Central Comedian Dwayne Perkins. You may know Dwayne from his half hour Comedy Central Presents Dwayne Perkins special or his appearances on Leno sharing Great White Moments in Black History on NBC.

Your Birthday Today:

Don't fret if you don't blow out all the candles on your first try. No cake? Maybe it's fretting time. Much like last year, you won't reach any of the goals you set this year but look for a new bakery to open in your neighborhood that's bound to make you forget goals altogether. Focus on variety this year, give the Chocolate Lobster Tail a try. Accept love and sugar graciously.

Aries:

Consume Chinese food then follow what your fortune cookie says...in bed.

Taurus:

Seize the day but totally waste the night away.

Gemini:

A lover will stick by your side provided you buy some duct tape

Cancer:

Don't go fishing. Save time and go to the market instead. You stink when you go fishing.

Leo:

Make sure your morning breathe doesn't make it to the afternoon

Virgo:

Compiling a list of people you hate will prove beneficial

Libra:

Weight becomes a non issue when you meet a guy/girl who likes 'em big boned

Scorpio:

The world is your oyster. Too bad you're allergic to shell fish.

Sagittarius:

Work will be demanding. Remember to pass on any blame and take credit for any success

Capricorn:

Kick start a new career and getting out of bed is not a career.

Aquarius:

Let bygones be bygones. Use your time to forge new grudges.

Pieces:

A so called friend may make public your closet love of country music.

Subscribe to Funny Horoscope Today and you'll be sure never to miss a thrilling typo-ridden moment. These free, insulting horoscopes are absolutely guaranteed to be accurate-esque or your money back. Keep coming back. You never know who may stop by.

Funny Horoscopes Daily - Insulting, Funny Astrology Resumes

Funny horoscopes can't just be made up, you know. Sometimes they take months and months to be updated and then, WHAMMO, a perfectly, substandard bit of psychic genius nearly makes it onto this blog. Soon, there will be guest, psychic, comedians with a special connection to YOUR future. Subscribe so you don't miss out on a single, psycherific moment.

Your Birthday Today:

Party like it's 1999, baby! Why? Because 2009 has kind of sucked for you, Scorpio. What about today? Great news. Today's forecast guarantees 70% less suckage with a 30% chance of pretty okay. In this economy consider yourself a winner. Live it up!

Aries (21 March-20 April)
People who owe you money will continue to avoid you. Luckily, you really don't like them.

Taurus (21 April-21 May)
Your inner critic is suffocating slowly. Seal off the hatches and speed it along. He's a killjoy.

Gemini (22 May-21 June)
Minor annoyances will majorly piss you off. Hermit it up or I see apologies in your future.

Cancer (22 June-22 July)
Let it all hang out and shake it while it's out there. Holding it in ISN'T working.

Leo (23 July-22 August)
Do some online or television shopping and have it sent with the slowest shipping and handling. You need SOMETHING to look forward to.

Virgo (23 August-21 September)
A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds, but seriously, stop being so scatterbrained. Keep track of your keys and wallet today.

Libra (22 September-22 October)
Have you heard the phrase, "Up sh*ts creek?" Well, consider today more of a poopy puddle. Don't wear your good shoes.

Scorpio (23 October-21 November)
You have the heart of a champion, Scorpio. But some jerk has you benched. Fire that fool and come out swinging.

Sagittarius (22 November-21 December)
Idiots are even more immune to logic than usual today. Save your breath or lose your sanity. The choice is yours.

Capricorn (22 December-20 January)
Look for the bare necessities. The simple bare necessities. Forget about your worries and your strife.

Aquarius (21 January-19 February)
The better-luck-next-time bunny is hopping around your neighborhood. Do not let his cute, furry face, fool you into letting him visit. You can win THIS time. Focus, focus, focus.

Pisces (20 February-20 March)
The early bird catches the worm. Sleep in and be worm free.

Subscribe to Funny Horoscope Today and you'll be sure never to miss a thrilling typo-ridden moment. These free, insulting horoscopes are absolutely guaranteed to be accurate-esque or your money back.

Insulting Horoscopes - Your Hilarious Daily Horoscope

Here is your daily funny horoscope. Well, semi-daily anyhow. These are free you know. Two days in a row. Watch out future!

Your Birthday Today:

You totally got the shaft today--that is as far as this horoscope is concerned. Luckily the rest of your life (that is life outside of horoscope reading) will go well. Great things and better horoscopes are in your future. 

Aries (21 March-20 April)
Did you get that thing he sent you? You should have.

Taurus (21 April-21 May)
An annoying customer service rep will repeat the same thing over and over again. Luckily you have time to think of irate speeches to a manager while you're on hold.

Gemini (22 May-21 June)
At least pets and babies find you somewhat amusing. Well, not really, but they can't speak up.

Cancer (22 June-22 July)
You will mysteriously injure yourself in your sleep. You are getting old.

Leo (23 July-22 August)
Eat slowly or the Heimlich Maneuver is in your future.

Virgo (23 August-21 September)
Your co-workers will think they are particularly wacky today. The won't be.

Libra (22 September-22 October)
People will choose to stand in front of what you want to buy at the grocery store. No matter what aisle you go to, they will be there--just standing there. Some will shop. Others will just be obliviously blocking your way.

Scorpio (23 October-21 November)
An old crush comes back and crushes you some more.

Sagittarius (22 November-21 December)
A friend you barely like will pitch another hissy fit. Pretend to not notice and wander off.

Capricorn (22 December-20 January)
Long-winded rambling voicemail messages coming at you all day. 

Aquarius (21 January-19 February)
Your losing streak is about to end. Keep gambling.

Pisces (20 February-20 March)
Oh the horror. Oh the horror.

Subscribe to Funny Horoscope Today and you'll be sure never to miss a thrilling typo-ridden moment. These free, insulting horoscopes are absolutely guaranteed to be accurate-esque or your money back.

Read My Horoscopes for Free - Funny Daily Horoscope

Read my horoscopes for free every day.

Your Birthday Today:

Remember that wonderful Christmas as a child when you got exactly what you wanted? Enjoy that memory, because you're friends and family miss the mark on your gifts today. This year promises wealth, love, and power in varying degrees. Some more acute than others like this horoscope. 

Aries (21 March-20 April)

Time warps today in a way that makes everything take ten time longer than you want. Schedule enjoyable activities only or suffer!

Taurus (21 April-21 May)
The bad mood bunny has jumped onto your back. Make sure your windows are rolled up before yelling at people in traffic.

Gemini (22 May-21 June)
Your bargaining star is in retrograde. Just buy things at list price and save yourself time.

Cancer (22 June-22 July)
Feeling good and looking good, Cancer. Try not to get into any trouble.

Leo (23 July-22 August)
The eye of the tiger possesses you. Unfortunately so does the smell of the jungle. Avoid intimate encounters.

Virgo (23 August-21 September)
Be a lover not a fighter today. Back down just this once to avoid a little humble pie later in the week.

Libra (22 September-22 October)
Enjoy your weekend. A shit storm is brewing for Monday. There's nothing you can do about it.

Scorpio (23 October-21 November)
Your shopping star and credit card cycles are magically aligned. Avoid HSN and late night infomercials or be sentenced to six months of revolving debt.

Sagittarius (22 November-21 December)
A watched pot may not boil, but if you leave it totally unattended for long periods of time you can start a fire.

Capricorn (22 December-20 January)
Push it! Push it good!

Aquarius (21 January-19 February)
Hope springs eternal. Follow it up with cold, hard, action.

Pisces (20 February-20 March)
You have a chance to be a hero today with a small act of kindness. Don't puss out.

Read my horoscopes for free every day or at least when you're at work. Your future is filled with funny, pics of otters, and other stuff. Other horoscopes sugar-coat your future. Yes, sometimes you will find insulting horoscopes, rude horoscopes, but you these are guaranteed to be 100% otterific or your money back.

Your Funny Horscope for Today

Your Birthday Today:
Being old is cause for celebration today. Timing is everything. Embrace your ability to still control your bladder, and know that this year promises a butt load of cash. Invest well.

Aries (21 March-20 April)
The desert of discontent is upon you. Drink more water.

Taurus (21 April-21 May)
Fancy restaurants are not on the menu today. Stick to diners and drive-thrus to get the best value for you dollar, but stock up on high quality bathroom tissue. Rough seas ahead.

Gemini (22 May-21 June)
Do NOT order anything with mayonnaise. You have been warned. Just don't. Maybe some good stuff will happen, but it won't matter if you don't take the advice on the mayo.

Cancer (22 June-22 July)
The mood-swing monkey is on your back today. 1-2 cups of coffee = happy. 3-5 cups of coffee = rage. Six or more = hysteria. A movie alone is a good idea.

Leo (23 July-22 August)
Good news will come via Email. Don't forget to check your "spam" folder just in case.

Virgo (23 August-21 September)
An unsightly blemish appears today. Your patience is being tested. Don't pick.

Libra (22 September-22 October)
Water weight will mysteriously fall of you in your morning trip to the bathroom. Wear your skinny clothes.

Scorpio (23 October-21 November)
Someone will try to trauma bond with you today. Keep conversations short or be prepared to do unwanted favors.

Sagittarius (22 November-21 December)
All your friends will be in crisis today. Get out your psychiatrist pad and carry tissues.

Capricorn (22 December-20 January)
Catching up on your sleep will no only leave you well rested for tomorrow's excitement; it will also help you avoid the boringness of today.

Aquarius (21 January-19 February)
Today you are likely to drop the ball. Keep the ball close to the toes of your enemies to lesson your pain.

Pisces (20 February-20 March)
You are attractive to others today. Floss, brush your tongue, and don't eat anything smelly.

Visit every day for your daily funny horoscope. Maybe slightly insulting, but always free. Oh, and the most accurate horoscopes on the Internet featuring a picture of an Otter ever.