Funny Horoscope Today

Rude Horoscopes, Hilarious Horoscopes , Read My Horoscope

Enjoy these funny, kind of rude horoscopes that so totally reveal your future. Why buy a newspaper and get ink on your fingers, when you can read my horoscopes for free and barely get dirty at all! Did you see that we can a celebrity, comedian (ahem, I mean psychic) yesterday? Well, see what your future WAS yesterday as predicted by Dwayne Perkins of Comedy Central and NBC. In the meantime, here is your future for today! (insert mysterious music)

Your Birthday Today:

So many things will happen and then so many things won't. This year promises a lot and even delivers on roughly 25% of it. Invest in yourself and silver since, you most likely can't afford gold and the dollar is in the toilet.

Aries (21 March-20 April)
Whoever said change is good, really hasn't looked at the weird glob of pennies in your car, cup holder. Avoid change today or pay the sticky price.

Taurus (21 April-21 May)
Your online, shopping star is in total alignment with your credit cycle. Shop for holiday gifts now and save on shipping.

Gemini (22 May-21 June)
Yes!

Cancer (22 June-22 July)
Your are too old for the tooth fairy and too old to be procrastinating on going to the dentist. Keep it up and you won't be too young for dentures.

Leo (23 July-22 August)
A bird in the hand is NOT worth two in the bush today. Bet on those bush-dwellin' birds or carry a hanky for your poopy palms.

Virgo (23 August-21 September)
Your Interest rate is up! I'm not talking about mortages and credit cards. People are acually interested in you! Dust off your black book and add some numbers.

Libra (22 September-22 October)
Go get 'em tiger! They certainly are not coming to you.

Scorpio (23 October-21 November)
Kick "you know who" to the curb. He/she already has his mind in the gutter anyway.

Sagittarius (22 November-21 December)
Avoid talk radio, today. You are already talking to yourself WAY too much lately.

Capricorn (22 December-20 January)
You can turn the world on with your smile. You can take a nothing day, and suddenly make it all seem worthwhile... .

Aquarius (21 January-19 February)
When was the last time you went bowling?

Pisces (20 February-20 March)
Life is short. Sing in the car and the shower today.

Subscribe to Funny Horoscope Today and you'll be sure never to miss a thrilling typo-ridden moment. These free, insulting, hilarious horoscopes are absolutely guaranteed to bring you maximum accurrate-ositude or your money back.

Funny Horoscopes with Comedy Central Comedian Dwayne Perkins

Funny Horoscopes Today is excited to have as guest psychic  Comedy Central Comedian Dwayne Perkins. You may know Dwayne from his half hour Comedy Central Presents Dwayne Perkins special or his appearances on Leno sharing Great White Moments in Black History on NBC.

Your Birthday Today:

Don't fret if you don't blow out all the candles on your first try. No cake? Maybe it's fretting time. Much like last year, you won't reach any of the goals you set this year but look for a new bakery to open in your neighborhood that's bound to make you forget goals altogether. Focus on variety this year, give the Chocolate Lobster Tail a try. Accept love and sugar graciously.

Aries:

Consume Chinese food then follow what your fortune cookie says...in bed.

Taurus:

Seize the day but totally waste the night away.

Gemini:

A lover will stick by your side provided you buy some duct tape

Cancer:

Don't go fishing. Save time and go to the market instead. You stink when you go fishing.

Leo:

Make sure your morning breathe doesn't make it to the afternoon

Virgo:

Compiling a list of people you hate will prove beneficial

Libra:

Weight becomes a non issue when you meet a guy/girl who likes 'em big boned

Scorpio:

The world is your oyster. Too bad you're allergic to shell fish.

Sagittarius:

Work will be demanding. Remember to pass on any blame and take credit for any success

Capricorn:

Kick start a new career and getting out of bed is not a career.

Aquarius:

Let bygones be bygones. Use your time to forge new grudges.

Pieces:

A so called friend may make public your closet love of country music.

Subscribe to Funny Horoscope Today and you'll be sure never to miss a thrilling typo-ridden moment. These free, insulting horoscopes are absolutely guaranteed to be accurate-esque or your money back. Keep coming back. You never know who may stop by.

Funny Horoscopes, Insulting Horoscopes, Maybe Even a Little Rude Horoscopes

Enjoy funny horoscopes today, and don't forget to come back every day, but especially this Monday, November. 16th, when Comedy Central Comedian Dwayne Perkins sits in as guest psychic for the day.

Your Birthday Today:

I foresee that it's your birthday today. What will happen today? This year? You will have feelings, breathe air. Make money, lose money. So much to look forward to and even more stuff to just kind of ignore. Good news! Some of those coupons you get in the mail will come in handy AND a mysterious stranger will walk by you on the street. Enjoy!

Aries (21 March-20 April)
Change is in your future today. Look under cushions.

Taurus (21 April-21 May)
Pick up a good book today. If you don't have time to read it, you can use it to kill a bug.

Gemini (22 May-21 June)
Your neck wrinkles are deepening. Moisturize.

Cancer (22 June-22 July)
Your clutter karma is at an all-time high. Small children and pets are in danger.

Leo (23 July-22 August)
Judge Killjoy and his kangaroo court are out to sentence you to a boring life. Do not solicit anyone's opinions or advice today. You know what you wanna do. You don't need anyone's permission.

Virgo (23 August-21 September)
Today is your lucky day! Press your luck at every turn.

Libra (22 September-22 October)
You sensitivity quotient is running high today. Mute tv commercials and spend more time with pets and kind hearted people.

Scorpio (23 October-21 November)
An apple a day keeps the doctor away, but a cup of coffee may keep you from murdering a co-worker today.

Sagittarius (22 November-21 December)
Captain Cranky has recruited some of your co-workers into his army today. Avoid group discussions.

Capricorn (22 December-20 January)
Happy Hour is less than happy and way more than hour. Don't be fooled into going.

Aquarius (21 January-19 February)
"Don't be cruel to a heart that's true."

Pisces (20 February-20 March)
Do not pass Go. Do not collect $200. Go back to bed as soon as possible.

Subscribe to Funny Horoscope Today and you'll be sure never to miss a thrilling typo-ridden moment. These free, insulting horoscopes are absolutely guaranteed to be accurate-esque or your money back. Check back on Monday and have your future foretold by somebody famous!

Funny Horoscopes Daily - Insulting, Funny Astrology Resumes

Funny horoscopes can't just be made up, you know. Sometimes they take months and months to be updated and then, WHAMMO, a perfectly, substandard bit of psychic genius nearly makes it onto this blog. Soon, there will be guest, psychic, comedians with a special connection to YOUR future. Subscribe so you don't miss out on a single, psycherific moment.

Your Birthday Today:

Party like it's 1999, baby! Why? Because 2009 has kind of sucked for you, Scorpio. What about today? Great news. Today's forecast guarantees 70% less suckage with a 30% chance of pretty okay. In this economy consider yourself a winner. Live it up!

Aries (21 March-20 April)
People who owe you money will continue to avoid you. Luckily, you really don't like them.

Taurus (21 April-21 May)
Your inner critic is suffocating slowly. Seal off the hatches and speed it along. He's a killjoy.

Gemini (22 May-21 June)
Minor annoyances will majorly piss you off. Hermit it up or I see apologies in your future.

Cancer (22 June-22 July)
Let it all hang out and shake it while it's out there. Holding it in ISN'T working.

Leo (23 July-22 August)
Do some online or television shopping and have it sent with the slowest shipping and handling. You need SOMETHING to look forward to.

Virgo (23 August-21 September)
A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds, but seriously, stop being so scatterbrained. Keep track of your keys and wallet today.

Libra (22 September-22 October)
Have you heard the phrase, "Up sh*ts creek?" Well, consider today more of a poopy puddle. Don't wear your good shoes.

Scorpio (23 October-21 November)
You have the heart of a champion, Scorpio. But some jerk has you benched. Fire that fool and come out swinging.

Sagittarius (22 November-21 December)
Idiots are even more immune to logic than usual today. Save your breath or lose your sanity. The choice is yours.

Capricorn (22 December-20 January)
Look for the bare necessities. The simple bare necessities. Forget about your worries and your strife.

Aquarius (21 January-19 February)
The better-luck-next-time bunny is hopping around your neighborhood. Do not let his cute, furry face, fool you into letting him visit. You can win THIS time. Focus, focus, focus.

Pisces (20 February-20 March)
The early bird catches the worm. Sleep in and be worm free.

Subscribe to Funny Horoscope Today and you'll be sure never to miss a thrilling typo-ridden moment. These free, insulting horoscopes are absolutely guaranteed to be accurate-esque or your money back.

Insulting Horoscopes - Your Hilarious Daily Horoscope

Here is your daily funny horoscope. Well, semi-daily anyhow. These are free you know. Two days in a row. Watch out future!

Your Birthday Today:

You totally got the shaft today--that is as far as this horoscope is concerned. Luckily the rest of your life (that is life outside of horoscope reading) will go well. Great things and better horoscopes are in your future. 

Aries (21 March-20 April)
Did you get that thing he sent you? You should have.

Taurus (21 April-21 May)
An annoying customer service rep will repeat the same thing over and over again. Luckily you have time to think of irate speeches to a manager while you're on hold.

Gemini (22 May-21 June)
At least pets and babies find you somewhat amusing. Well, not really, but they can't speak up.

Cancer (22 June-22 July)
You will mysteriously injure yourself in your sleep. You are getting old.

Leo (23 July-22 August)
Eat slowly or the Heimlich Maneuver is in your future.

Virgo (23 August-21 September)
Your co-workers will think they are particularly wacky today. The won't be.

Libra (22 September-22 October)
People will choose to stand in front of what you want to buy at the grocery store. No matter what aisle you go to, they will be there--just standing there. Some will shop. Others will just be obliviously blocking your way.

Scorpio (23 October-21 November)
An old crush comes back and crushes you some more.

Sagittarius (22 November-21 December)
A friend you barely like will pitch another hissy fit. Pretend to not notice and wander off.

Capricorn (22 December-20 January)
Long-winded rambling voicemail messages coming at you all day. 

Aquarius (21 January-19 February)
Your losing streak is about to end. Keep gambling.

Pisces (20 February-20 March)
Oh the horror. Oh the horror.

Subscribe to Funny Horoscope Today and you'll be sure never to miss a thrilling typo-ridden moment. These free, insulting horoscopes are absolutely guaranteed to be accurate-esque or your money back.

Daily Funny Horoscope for You!

Here is your daily funny horoscope. Well, semi-daily anyhow. These are free you know.

Your Birthday Today:

Your birthday and the holiday season go hand and hand along with those dual gifts. Some of your bad birthday presents can be regifted to others. This year promises good health and wealth, but not necessarily in that order or for you personally. 

Aries (21 March-20 April)
Stop fooling yourself. Let it go. It's over.

Taurus (21 April-21 May)
You are procrastinating on the gift buying. Shipping only gets more expensive the longer you wait.

Gemini (22 May-21 June)
Your mountain of old mail is reaching dangerous heights. Pets and small children could be in danger.

Cancer (22 June-22 July)
Everybody is shopping online for gifts making you even more impossible to shop for. Drop major hints or suffer.

Leo (23 July-22 August)
Your holiday spirit may come from a bottle. Try not to abuse it or I see meetings in your future.

Virgo (23 August-21 September)
The holiday blues have got their sites set on you. Avoid the temptation to hermit it up so you be a moving target. You'll have a better chance.

Libra (22 September-22 October)
Do not have too much too drink at the holiday party. You will embarrass yourself with bad dancing, inappropriate remarks, or WITH a fellow employee. Watch it.

Scorpio (23 October-21 November)
You are out of answers. Avoid questions.

Sagittarius (22 November-21 December)
Your luck has run dry. Prime the pump with wishing wells.

Capricorn (22 December-20 January)
You have a good idea. Now ask Santa for the energy to fulfill it.

Aquarius (21 January-19 February)
Avoid hasty decisions and stop complaining. It's not so bad.

Pisces (20 February-20 March)
You never know what life has in store for you unless it's re-runs.

Daily funny horoscopes are posted here kind of at random, but famous guest horoscopians will soon be telling your future. Who could it be? Your favorite Comedy Central comedian? Somebody who had three lines on an episode of Bones? Julia Roberts? Subscribe to Funny Horoscope Today and you'll be sure never to miss a thrilling typo-ridden moment.

Funny Insulting Horoscopes - November 30th

Funny Insulting Horoscopes are post here daily, but sometimes not days in a row, but how much fun can it be to know every hilarious horscopian minute in advance. Random unpredictable fortune is where it's at. A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds. Or maybe I'll get my sh*t together and post daily-er.

Your Birthday Today:

Happy Birthday! An annoying song sung out of key is in your future. Jockey for free food at restaurants, because some of your friend are gonna cheap out on the gifts this year. You'll be luckier in love this year, because well the economy is in the toilet. Have fn being old. 

Aries (21 March-20 April)

Knock it off. Just knock it off. Don't pretend like you don't know what I'm talking about. Just knock it off.

Taurus (21 April-21 May)
You are gonna be kicked to the curb by somebody you don't really like that much. Remember to just let it happen and don't let your pride suck you into a relationship you don't even like.

Gemini (22 May-21 June)
You have two pairs of pants that look absolutely horrible on you in your closet right now. Throw them out. Just throw them out.

Cancer (22 June-22 July)
Co-workers have been pilfering office supplies from your desk and not fricken putting them back. Don't stoop to office pettiness by labeling your stuff, but keep your eye out.

Leo (23 July-22 August)
The stain fairy is out to get you. Don't wear white. Avoid eating or drinking in the car.

Virgo (23 August-21 September)
That budget is a pipe dream. Get real and write down what you really spend or just earn more money.

Libra (22 September-22 October)
Two words--fat pants.

Scorpio (23 October-21 November)

Get your head out of the clouds or out of your butt and pay attention--especially when at the ATM machine. You don't want to lose that card--AGAIN.

Sagittarius (22 November-21 December)
Today is your lucky day. Ask for free stuff, sit up front at office meetings to get credit for stuff you don't deserve. Check the change slots for free money. Push your luck as much as possible, because the free ride ends on Wednesday.

Capricorn (22 December-20 January)
Da-do-do-do Da-dah-dah-dah-dah is all I have to say to you.

Aquarius (21 January-19 February)
That person you think likes you, doesn't. But the other one does.

Pisces (20 February-20 March)
Last week may have been hell, but you get to coast this week. Yup it's all down hill from here, but in a good way.

Read my horoscopes for free every day or at least when you're at work. Your future is filled with funny, pics of otters, and other stuff. Other horoscopes sugar-coat your future. Yes, sometimes you will find insulting horoscopes, rude horoscopes, but you these are guaranteed to be 100% otterific or your money back.

Funny Horoscopes Daily - Well Kind of :)

Funny Horoscopes are post here daily, but sometimes not days in a row, but look how much fun can it be to know every hilarious horscopian minute in advance.

Your Birthday Today:

Today is your lucky day. Not only do you get this free horoscope, you also get several telephone calls from telemarketers. Plus, you will also get to be in traffic and use electricity. The future is bright--thanks to that electricity. Happy Birthday! 

Aries (21 March-20 April)

You are prone to tooth sensitivity more than usual. Go easy on the ice.

Taurus (21 April-21 May)
Yo bull! You're not the one full of it  today. Take everything with a grain of salt.

Gemini (22 May-21 June)
Save money and aggravation. Eat dinner at home tonight.

Cancer (22 June-22 July)
Here are the answers to the questions that have been plaguing you: yes, only once in a while, it's all in your head.

Leo (23 July-22 August)
Be top dog today if you don't want to be treated like a little bitch.

Virgo (23 August-21 September)
Looking good, Virgo. Don't flirt too hard, you don't want to injure innocent and even not-so-innocent bystanders.

Libra (22 September-22 October)
You are an idiot magnet today. Postpone complicated project for later in the week or suffer with "help" from well-meaning morons.

Scorpio (23 October-21 November)

Things like not being able to unbold the stupid heading or eliminate the space after some kind of line of text on your blog and stuff like that will be maddening today. Pack patience and a bat with your lunch today.

Sagittarius (22 November-21 December)
'Cause everybody hurts. Take comfort in your friends.

Capricorn (22 December-20 January)
Victory is yours if you sacrifice enough sleep.

Aquarius (21 January-19 February)
You're swimming up stream, Aquarius, and you don't even own a paddle. You're screwed.

Pisces (20 February-20 March)
Congratulate a friend who reached their goals. Success is contagious, and you just may need to catch it.

Read my horoscopes for free every day or at least when you're at work. Your future is filled with funny, pics of otters, and other stuff. Other horoscopes sugar-coat your future. Yes, sometimes you will find insulting horoscopes, rude horoscopes, but you these are guaranteed to be 100% otterific or your money back.

Read My Horoscopes for Free - Funny Daily Horoscope

Read my horoscopes for free every day.

Your Birthday Today:

Remember that wonderful Christmas as a child when you got exactly what you wanted? Enjoy that memory, because you're friends and family miss the mark on your gifts today. This year promises wealth, love, and power in varying degrees. Some more acute than others like this horoscope. 

Aries (21 March-20 April)

Time warps today in a way that makes everything take ten time longer than you want. Schedule enjoyable activities only or suffer!

Taurus (21 April-21 May)
The bad mood bunny has jumped onto your back. Make sure your windows are rolled up before yelling at people in traffic.

Gemini (22 May-21 June)
Your bargaining star is in retrograde. Just buy things at list price and save yourself time.

Cancer (22 June-22 July)
Feeling good and looking good, Cancer. Try not to get into any trouble.

Leo (23 July-22 August)
The eye of the tiger possesses you. Unfortunately so does the smell of the jungle. Avoid intimate encounters.

Virgo (23 August-21 September)
Be a lover not a fighter today. Back down just this once to avoid a little humble pie later in the week.

Libra (22 September-22 October)
Enjoy your weekend. A shit storm is brewing for Monday. There's nothing you can do about it.

Scorpio (23 October-21 November)
Your shopping star and credit card cycles are magically aligned. Avoid HSN and late night infomercials or be sentenced to six months of revolving debt.

Sagittarius (22 November-21 December)
A watched pot may not boil, but if you leave it totally unattended for long periods of time you can start a fire.

Capricorn (22 December-20 January)
Push it! Push it good!

Aquarius (21 January-19 February)
Hope springs eternal. Follow it up with cold, hard, action.

Pisces (20 February-20 March)
You have a chance to be a hero today with a small act of kindness. Don't puss out.

Read my horoscopes for free every day or at least when you're at work. Your future is filled with funny, pics of otters, and other stuff. Other horoscopes sugar-coat your future. Yes, sometimes you will find insulting horoscopes, rude horoscopes, but you these are guaranteed to be 100% otterific or your money back.

Insulting Horoscopes - Your Funny Horoscope for November 6

Read these insulting horoscopes for free every day.

Your Birthday Today:

This time of year many people are sharing gratitude. You are exempt. Be greedy and ask for free stuff at restaurants. Throw yourself a party. This year is shrouded in mystery, but luckily you will not feel particularly curious so it won't bug you much.

Aries (21 March-20 April)

It's a small world afterall. It's a small world after all. You won't be able to get an annoying song out your head.

Taurus (21 April-21 May)
An annoying situation plagues you. Resign yourself to just ending it badly and move on.

Gemini (22 May-21 June)
Anxiety has you in a half Nelson. Tap out this round. Go home. Drink decaf.

Cancer (22 June-22 July)
Your mind is in the gutter, but luckily the head carrying it is looking good. People find it charming for a little while.

Leo (23 July-22 August)
Today is a day to roar, Leo. Make sure to use mouthwash.

Virgo (23 August-21 September)
You are see-sawing back and forth between sanity and insanity. Do NOT call you know who. Closure is over-rated.

Libra (22 September-22 October)
Lies surround you, but you can't call people on their crap until early next week. Have patience. You are right.

Scorpio (23 October-21 November)
Your ship has come in. Too bad you're not at the docks.

Sagittarius (22 November-21 December)
Maybe, but most likely not.

Capricorn (22 December-20 January)
You are likely to put your foot in your mouth, luckily there is plenty of room.

Aquarius (21 January-19 February)
Just show up and success is yours. Your competition is just that incompetent.

Pisces (20 February-20 March)
Be generous. You have had more than your fair of mistakes. Let others enjoy.

Read my horoscopes for free every day or at least when you're at work. Your future is filled with funny, pics of otters, and other stuff. Other horoscopes sugar-coat your future. Yes, sometimes you will find insulting horoscopes, rude horoscopes, but you these are guaranteed to be 100% otterific or your money back.