Funny Horoscope Today

Ready My Horoscopes for Free - Funny Daily Horoscope

Read my horoscopes for free every day.

Your Birthday Today:

The birthday blahs can be offset with equal amounts of cake and exercise. Do your best. This year promises a lot, delivers some of it, disappoints you greatly, and has some awesome surprises. Guess which category this horoscope falls in.

Aries (21 March-20 April)
Punk rock girl, you look so wild. Let's have a child.

Taurus (21 April-21 May)
An annoying situation plagues you. Resign yourself to just ending it badly and move on.

Gemini (22 May-21 June)
You are making bad decisions, and lying to yourself about it. You can't stop, but at least you can be honest.

Cancer (22 June-22 July)
The jig is up. The good news is the cost of jig maintenance is also gone. Focus on using your resources better.

Leo (23 July-22 August)
Today, big decisions will be made. Some you will make, others you will be made for you. Brace yourself for change.

Virgo (23 August-21 September)
Prioritize stress management. Other people's stupidity is on the rise.

Libra (22 September-22 October)
One of your friends will drift into another social circle. Remind yourself of his annoying habits.

Scorpio (23 October-21 November)
Congratulation someone today. It will curb your envy or at least keep you from looking outwardly bitter.

Sagittarius (22 November-21 December)
Make your procrastination work for you. Postpone  obsession until tomorrow.

Capricorn (22 December-20 January)
Do or do not. There is not try.

Aquarius (21 January-19 February)
Start a tradition today. You need structure.

Pisces (20 February-20 March)
Your friend will keep talking about boring stuff you don't care about. Smile, nod, and pretend to care. He's a good friend.

Read my horoscopes for free every day or at least when you're at work. Your future is filled with funny, pics of otters, and other stuff. Other horoscopes sugar-coat your future. Yes, sometimes you will find insulting horoscopes, rude horoscopes, but you these are guaranteed to be 100% otterific or your money back.

Rude Horoscopes - Hilarious Horoscope for November 4

Your Birthday Today:

A mysterious stranger has a crush on you, but remember to do a background check. Your year is filled with happiness, many boring moments, one crushing disappointment, and some mild embarrassment. Check your zipper and your shoes before exiting public restrooms.

Aries (21 March-20 April)
Someone is trying to get your goat. Don't take the bait. Leave your goat at home.

Taurus (21 April-21 May)
Good fortune will once again befall on your friend that has all the luck. Stand in the shade so you won't notice his shadow.

Gemini (22 May-21 June)
When was the last time you went bowling?

Cancer (22 June-22 July)
Office snacks are way too tempting. Wear your fat pants.

Leo (23 July-22 August)
The small talk fairy skipped your house this week. Charge your iPod and avoid eye contact with strangers.

Virgo (23 August-21 September)
An unexpected guest is on the way. Now that you know to expect it, he or she will not come or you have a shot at getting your house in order.

Libra (22 September-22 October)
Dress up, go someplace fancy, pretend to be better than you are. You might just fool somebody special today.

Scorpio (23 October-21 November)
Neighborly tension is on the rise. Practice screaming, "Get off mah land," in your car.

Sagittarius (22 November-21 December)
An incompetent co-worker will cause you more work. Suppress the urge to do nasty things to his coffee mug.

Capricorn (22 December-20 January)
Your full-o-crap meter is well-tuned and highly functioning. Today is a good day to cast judgment on others.

Aquarius (21 January-19 February)
You don't have to like unlikeable people, but today, they seem to really like you. Look busy.

Pisces (20 February-20 March)
Road rage is highly justified today. Do your best, and make sure your insurance is current.

Read my horoscopes for free every day or at least when you're at work. Your future is filled with funny, pics of otters, and other stuff. Other horoscopes sugar-coat your future. Yes, sometimes you will find insulting horoscopes, rude horoscopes, but you these are guaranteed to be 100% otterific or your money back.

Read My Horoscopes for Free - Funny Possibly Insulting Daily Horoscope

Read my horoscopes for free every day.

Your Birthday Today:

It's written in the stars that love is on the way--to your neighbor. You've already got yours or missed your chance. Leave your credit cards at home. This will allow your generous friends the pleasure of buying you meals and gifts. This year promises success that has eluded you. You are old, so you might as well be wise.

Aries (21 March-20 April)
This random crazy world makes sense today. Carry a pen. Take notes.

Taurus (21 April-21 May)
A person you thought was trying to manipulate you turns out to be just stupid.

Gemini (22 May-21 June)
Paranoia is justified. The world is out to get you. Obey all traffic and parking laws or just hole up at home and watch TV.

Cancer (22 June-22 July)
Your hard work does not pay off today, but luckily goofing off does. Call in sick to work or play lots of video games.

Leo (23 July-22 August)
An angry voicemail awaits you. Breathe and have cup of coffee before checking it.

Virgo (23 August-21 September)
Customer service karma is at an all-time low. Postpone calling tech support, tele-com companies, or banks until later in the week.

Libra (22 September-22 October)
Get your car washed. People you want to impress take an interest in you. Plus it's dirty.

Scorpio (23 October-21 November)
Wreckage from your past is fixing to wash up on your shores. Now is a good time to take a trip.

Sagittarius (22 November-21 December)
An overdue apology is coming your way. Practice your benevolent forgiving look and enjoy.

Capricorn (22 December-20 January)
You look hot today. Ask for a favor, raise or loan to capitalize on your good fortune.

Aquarius (21 January-19 February)
Hang out with successful people today. Your loser friends are dragging you down.

Pisces (20 February-20 March)
Your grasp on reality is tenuous. Other people's thoughts are NONE of your business. Your ability to take good advice, including this horoscope, is limited. Concentrate.

Read my horoscopes for free every day or at least when you're at work. Your future is filled with funny, pics of otters, and other stuff. Other horoscopes sugar-coat your future. Yes, sometimes you will find insulting horoscopes, rude horoscopes, but you these are guaranteed to be 100% otterific or your money back.

Your Funny Horscope for Today

Your Birthday Today:
Being old is cause for celebration today. Timing is everything. Embrace your ability to still control your bladder, and know that this year promises a butt load of cash. Invest well.

Aries (21 March-20 April)
The desert of discontent is upon you. Drink more water.

Taurus (21 April-21 May)
Fancy restaurants are not on the menu today. Stick to diners and drive-thrus to get the best value for you dollar, but stock up on high quality bathroom tissue. Rough seas ahead.

Gemini (22 May-21 June)
Do NOT order anything with mayonnaise. You have been warned. Just don't. Maybe some good stuff will happen, but it won't matter if you don't take the advice on the mayo.

Cancer (22 June-22 July)
The mood-swing monkey is on your back today. 1-2 cups of coffee = happy. 3-5 cups of coffee = rage. Six or more = hysteria. A movie alone is a good idea.

Leo (23 July-22 August)
Good news will come via Email. Don't forget to check your "spam" folder just in case.

Virgo (23 August-21 September)
An unsightly blemish appears today. Your patience is being tested. Don't pick.

Libra (22 September-22 October)
Water weight will mysteriously fall of you in your morning trip to the bathroom. Wear your skinny clothes.

Scorpio (23 October-21 November)
Someone will try to trauma bond with you today. Keep conversations short or be prepared to do unwanted favors.

Sagittarius (22 November-21 December)
All your friends will be in crisis today. Get out your psychiatrist pad and carry tissues.

Capricorn (22 December-20 January)
Catching up on your sleep will no only leave you well rested for tomorrow's excitement; it will also help you avoid the boringness of today.

Aquarius (21 January-19 February)
Today you are likely to drop the ball. Keep the ball close to the toes of your enemies to lesson your pain.

Pisces (20 February-20 March)
You are attractive to others today. Floss, brush your tongue, and don't eat anything smelly.

Visit every day for your daily funny horoscope. Maybe slightly insulting, but always free. Oh, and the most accurate horoscopes on the Internet featuring a picture of an Otter ever.

Your Funny Horscope for Today

YOUR BIRTHDAY TODAY:

The Force is with you. Complicated tasks are finished easily or, at the very least, postponed easily. In a mysterious glitch in food physics, blowing out candles burns over 2700 calories. Unfortunately, looking at cake absorbs 3,000. You might as well eat two slices..

Aries (21 March-20 April)

Your popularity is on the rise. You will be invited to some place fabulous and feel awkward once you get there, but that's another day. Enjoy your invitation and brief feeling of being accepted.

Taurus (21 April-21 May)

Put your best foot forward. You are being judged by everyone today.

Gemini (22 May-21 June)

Stressful day ahead. Take a couple of deep breaths and put on a few extra strokes of deodorant.

Cancer (22 June-22 July)

Gossip hounds are going to sniff your butt today. Play dead. Say nothing.

Leo (23 July-22 August)

Lines (or cues if you're British) will be unbearably long today. Procrastinate errands or practice zoning out.

Virgo (23 August-21 September)

Your personal space bubble has burst. Avoid crowds today or get cozy with smelly strangers.

Libra (22 September-22 October)

What you formerly thought was a good idea, now blooms into total disaster. Avoid fast food and blind dates.

Scorpio (23 October-21 November)

Say hello and smile at strangers. You are having a good hair day.

Sagittarius (22 November-21 December)

Self-destructive tendencies are running high. Check your garbage disposal for errant utensils before turning it on.

Capricorn (22 December-20 January)

Your bargain star is in perfect alignment. Be on the look out for cheap thrills.

Aquarius (21 January-19 February)

Hasty decisions turn out fabulous. Toady is a great day to gamble.

Pisces (20 February-20 March)

Your waiter/waitress is having a bad day and will screw up your order. Just embrace your order as a surprise and move on.

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Astrological humor and total truth are all yours! Come back and get your daily funny horoscopes so your life's decisions can be based on good, solid, comedy. Why let science and reason rule your future? Has that worked out so well anyway?

Daily Funny Horoscopes

YOUR BIRTHDAY TODAY:

Birthday well wishes surround you, but many will be belated and come in a "group" card. Never mind, this year you will redeem all gift cards/gift certificates and/or make strides in your career. Next year, well ... to paraphrase Yoda--the future is always in motion.

Aries (21 March-20 April)

Eat out. Trust me. Eat out.

Taurus (21 April-21 May)

Parking karma is at an all-time high. Run errands in record time or go to the beach.

Gemini (22 May-21 June)

Your computer is on the verge of a major bitch fit. Stop clicking so much and back up data.

Cancer (22 June-22 July)

Someone will have an uncharacteristically emotional response to an Email you sent. Do NOT hit reply. Call or speak in person instead.

Leo (23 July-22 August)

A white lie comes back to haunt you. Time for you to face the music or hide in the bathroom.

Virgo (23 August-21 September)

Stress is mounting. Doing dishes will clear your mind or, at the very last, you will have a clean bowl for cereal.

Libra (22 September-22 October)

Bad television tempts you today. Fall into its trance without guilt. It is your destiny.

Scorpio (23 October-21 November)

Songs on the radio will be amazing relevant to your life. Avoid crying on freeways or at least move into the slower lanes.

Sagittarius (22 November-21 December)

The Should Monster is telling you you should do things--very boring things or stuff that is just not gonna get done anyhow. Put goofing off as the only item on your "To Do" list today and proudly check it off.

Capricorn (22 December-20 January)

Financial institutions are unjustly applying "fees" to your accounts. Fight the power. The stars are in your favor.

Aquarius (21 January-19 February)

Hold the elevator for a stranger or help an old lady cross the street. Do SOMETHING. Karma Court is officially in session and you want to stack up some evidence for a good verdict.

Pisces (20 February-20 March)

Bad dairy could cause you embarrassing abdominal discomfort. Proceed with EXTREME CAUTION.

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Know what to do when. All your questions answered. Visit every day and enjoy the greatest in astrological humor put out by a website with pictures of otters ever! Come back everyday or subscribe via RSS. And if you know anyone at Comedy Central tell them Christy Murphy is your favorite comedian and you want to see her on Comedy Central. Comedy Central Comedian Christy Murphy -- see how that just has a ring to it. Call them. Luke, it is your destiny.

Daily Funny Horoscope

YOUR BIRTHDAY TODAY:

Somebody you didn't expect to remember your birthday will remember, and someone you expected to remember will forget or remember late. Call it even and go out to dinner. This year promises lots of love, but not so much today--BUT LATER.

Aries (21 March-20 April)

Happiness is around the corner, but you're stuck in traffic. Walk.

Taurus (21 April-21 May)

Someone who loves you wants you to change. Humor them, but don't fall for it.

Gemini (22 May-21 June)

Your boss is especially stupid today. Smile and nod. Stay silent.

Cancer (22 June-22 July)

Cell phone coverage is particularly spotty today. Save emotionally intense conversations for LAN lines.

Leo (23 July-22 August)

Throw away pens that don't work well. You don't need any additional reasons to fly off the handle.

Virgo (23 August-21 September)

Fill up your gas tank before you go home. You will forget to leave early and be short on time later.

Libra (22 September-22 October)

Don't eat fish--especially if you are really, really hungry. The odds of choking to death are higher than normal today.

Scorpio (23 October-21 November)

Great day today. Enjoyable bowel movement awaits you when you go home.

Sagittarius (22 November-21 December)

Your cashier karma is at an all-time high. If you have stuff to return or exchange at a store, today is a great day for it.

Capricorn (22 December-20 January)

A flaky, flirty stanger will screw with your head. Enjoy the small talk and flirting, but know that abolutely NOTHING will EVER come of it.

Aquarius (21 January-19 February)

Be on the look out for party invitations. One will be fun another will suck the life out of you. Dress fab for both and prepare an exit strategy in advance.

Pisces (20 February-20 March)

The Stain Fairy is out to get you. Do NOT wear white. Avoid eating or drinking in the car.

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I hope you enjoyed your daily, funny horscope thingy. Come back everyday or subscribe via RSS. Your astrological future awaits you. I see funny in your future. 

Funny Horoscopes! Your Future As Told By The Otter

YOUR BIRTHDAY TODAY:

It's your birthday. Lower your expectations and your birthday is sure not to disappoint. Embrace aging and cake. All your dreams (provided they involve a group card and/or a gift certificate) will come true.

Aries (21 March-20 April)

Good fortune shines on others leaving you twisting in the wind. It is never too early to go back to bed.

Taurus (21 April-21 May)
You forgot something. Luckily you can still can't remember.

Gemini (22 May-21 June)
You're missing the mark. Move over.

Cancer (22 June-22 July)
Healthy eating habit fall by the wayside when confronted with general anxiety over finances. Balance your checkbook and order salads tomorrow.

Leo (23 July-22 August)
Awesome day today. Try not to blow it by worrying about your future.

Virgo (23 August-21 September)
Bad relationship advice is coming at your from people who have had too much therapy. Let calls ring into voicemail.

Libra (22 September-22 October)
Aboid left hand turns across traffic. You are a magnet for oblivious and stupid people.

Scorpio (23 October-21 November)
You are almost out of clean socks. Don't sweat laundry. Just buy more socks.

Sagittarius (22 November-21 December)
A co-worker is jealous of you perceived success. Revel in it.

Capricorn (22 December-20 January)
Old memories are stirred up a commercial. Laugh out loud or even cry--especially if no one is looking.

Aquarius (21 January-19 February)
You are procrastinating going to the dentist. You have about three months before it gets critical.

Pisces (20 February-20 March)
Limit your caffeine. Today might be stressful.

Funny Horoscope Testing

OMG! The new Otter Horoscope feature is only moments away! Can you believe it! I'm so psyched.